New blog.

I've migrated to a new blog. It's not blogger that's going wrong it's something to do with my netbook, but I haven't the time, energy or nouse (brain-power) to figure it out so I've moved- I've network-blogged it through my facebook account so those of you who followed me through that should find me, but if you're a reader who doesn't know me through facebook just leave me a comment so I know who you are and I'll find a way to pass on the link to you privately- since there are people from my past who have this link so I think it best now I'm moving, to start fresh and only give the link out to people who actually care about me and are my friends. Or just send a message to Laura Dysauto on facebook and I'll reply with the link- you'll know it's me coz I have a saucepan on my head. LOL.

My computer is being about as dysfunctional as my body!

It is pissing me off.

The earlier entry was posted when I didn't have my camera card handy, so I wanted to add a photo to it. However, through firefox, the computer will not load my blog at all, it just says 'waiting for google analytics'. Through google chrome, the box appears for a split second and then I have to pause it very quickly, otherwise it just continues on to a blank, white page! But, when I've paused it, it doesn't always show the photo upload box, and when it has, the photo hasn't been uploaded!!! GRRRR!

A very busy weekend and a nasty cough!

Last weekend was very busy. Too busy, really. I was stressed about it all week because of having to come off the florinef. Worrying how I could cope with being so busy and not having my medication to help.

Friday we showed my bfs Mum what we'd done with the place and then went carpet shopping. We picked 8 samples which we then narrowed down to 3, then narrowed down to 2 when I walked across them and discovered one was more 'rough'. We then eventually decided upon the carpet all 3 of us had liked in the shop because it was a nice warm colour and had flecks that matched the new fireplace.


Friday night, we went to the pub to meet some friends, my bf left early and I went out dancing with my friend- the place we usually go to (80s music) had changed the night and no longer do the 80s night (gutted!) so we went to a 90s night instead.

I had a terrible night when I got back to my bfs though. I had an episode of tachycardia that just wouldn't stop, despite the fact I was laying down. In the end I took a beta blocker (which I'd started carrying around with me just in case, since beginning to wean off florinef) and even that took a while before it slowed, so I happened to still be awake at 8am when my bf left to go golfing. Jeeze!

In the day after he got back we just sat in the garden as it was thankfully nice and warm. We had a look through the Argos catalogue and talked about bathroom cabinets lol.

I went to bed for a bit around 4pm as I felt terrible, but couldn't sleep. Got ready for a family do bfs Auntie was throwing but was so tired I didn't feel very sociable and we left early. Unfortunately, I had another awful night. I fell to sleep but my bf woke me in night rolling on me and fidgeting. Then as I was trying to get back to sleep he sneezed and scared me to death by shouting CHOOOOOO! really loud. So then I was PISSED OFF. So we had a fight, he accused me of being nasty, and all of it added to my tachycardia and then I got the tremors really bad and was laying in bed shaking and THAT took ages to calm down. ugh!

So, come Sunday I was EXHAUSTED. I got up at 6.30am and got all my stuff together and was ready to leave by the time my bf got up at 8. I left at 8.15 for my first reflexology class- which was fantastic! Really interesting, tutor brilliant, met some great people. Shame I was sooo tired and started with a sore throat from all the missed sleep.

Monday I had to get up early to go to Scotland! The train journey up there was great, it seemed to fly by, my Uncle picked us up at the station and took us straight to the bungalow, where he and my Auntie Sandra were babysitting I. It was an awful, lashing it down with rain day, but I was tired from travelling so it was nice to just sit in the conservatory and meet the little relatives! We had a nice lunch in the dining room of home made pepper (I think it was) soup. K brought O over a couple of hours later and it was soooo cute how excited I was to see him. They are both so adorable.

Mum and I went to our hotel to unpack and had our evening meal there, then a walk along the beach as it had stopped raining. I wasn't feeling great with a sore throat so had taken TCP with me to gargle. When we got back to the hotel, KB was meeting us in the bar so I put some smarter clothes on and we went down and I had hot toddys for my sore throat/cold thing. 3 in all because they were so nice! Mum and KB had a nice chat and I added the odd thing in here and there. Then finally we went to bed. Oh, and it was my first day not taking a tablet because, as I was coming down with something, I decided I'd need my full immunity (or as full as it could be after being on tablets that suppress it somewhat) and I managed to climb the 3 flights of stairs to the room 3 times at least that day!!

On Tuesday we got up early as breakfast had to be finished by 8.30am (how cruel!) and after a "Scottish breakfast" (which is the same as an English breakfast and for me, minus black pudding, tomatoes and toast) me and my Mum climbed the Binn!!!! It was sooo scary near the top, because it was REALLY windy, and there wasn't a fence to stop you toppling off the edge!!!! And I get vertigo so add to that the strong gusting wind and the fact it had rained all day the day before so the very thin path was very slippy, and I was terrified. Practically crawling along clutching at the long grasses getting nettled and thistled and brambled in the process!!! But I didn't want to turn back even though I was so scared, and the end result was worth it!

A PHOTO SHOULD BE HERE BUT I CAN'T GET ONE TO ULPOAD BECAUSE MY COMPUTER IS BEING A TWAT!

Although, here's a funny story. The day before, my camera battery had been running out, so I only managed to take 3 photos and it stopped! Gutted!!!! After all that effort!!!! BUT on the way back down, after being even more gutted about how the light was shining perfectly on the sea and lighting up 2 chimneys over towards Edinburgh, I thought to myself (after about 15 minutes of being mad with myself for not thinking to bring the spare battery, and taking CRAP photos on my phone just to have some though feeling so miffed they wouldn't be even half as good as I could have taken with my camera)- this is the coat I always wear when out walking with Lee. In which I often carry a spare battery- so maybe it's in my pocket... and the funniest thing is, it just hadn't occurred to me despite the fact I KNEW that it was in there- that I keep the battery in the camera case- and I had already found the camera case in my coat pocket back at the hotel!!! so, this time, when I was actually THINKING ABOUT IT I touched the camera case and thought... maybe the battery is in here... AND IT WAS!!! But then I thought, oh no, it probably needs charging up but miracle of miracles IT DIDNT! FULLY CHARGED BABY! So I yelled my Mum and we climbed back up the little bit we'd come down and I got my pictures. :-) Yayness!

After this, we went back down and went to the bungalow where we had a nice lunch of cold chicken, ham and crackers. Then we went over to KB's flat to meet K and took O to the beach where he had a great time and really touched my heart by warming to me and coming up to me and taking my hand because he wanted to walk with me and to show me things. ahhh.

I also encouraged him to chase some seagulls- I could tell he'd never done it before and he was a little shy and hesitant at first but soon got into it and seemed to find it fun. After a little play on the playground we put him back in his buggy and took him to a little coffee shop where we had hot drinks. Then he captured my heart again by wanting my water bottle and then when I said 'it's Laura's he picked up his and looked at me and wanted to drink at the same time as me, so when I picked up mine and drank he would drink his and then smile all happy. Then when Auntie lifted him down he came over to me and got my hand and led me outside because he wanted to watch the cars and lorries go by on the road. There was a little table outside so I sat down on a chair with him on my knee and again, it felt so lovely. I miss having little ones on my lap. This is another reason I think working in a nursery will do me good. Although me and my bf decided not to have our own children, little ones do warm my heart and lift my emotions so working with them would be the best of both worlds for me- I can love them but not have the responsibility of having to raise them!

After the coffee shop my Grandma and Auntie took O home and me and Mum went down the high street to get food. I got a starter- chicken satay- from a chinese and Mum got a sausage roll and crisps from the co-op. We ate it in the hotel room while watching Neighbours. Which reminds me of an anecdote I missed- when we first arrived, the TV remote wasn't working. I asked for new batteries but the bloke who came to sort it out for us tried it and it worked! But then I went to turn TV up and it went DOWN instead of up and then the remote wouldn't work. So I went and asked for batteries again. Well, when we were at tea the bloke came over and was so patronising and said 'you see on this remote control- these buttons here with a plus and a minus? You press plus to change the volume up and minus to go down." LIKE AS IF WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT?! I snapped at him saying something like "We do know how to use a remote control and that is what I did but it did not work!" so he changed the remote and the batteries. Then everything was working fine, what a surprise!

Right, so after Neighbours we went over to the bungalow and Uncle drove us to M and P's to see baby I for the last time during this trip. She was so cute. Kept saying 'bow wow- bow wow!' especially after P put her to bed and she wanted to come back and be sociable with us- she was shouting it from her cot- it was soooo cute.
We went back and Mum and I read mags in the hotel before bed.

On Wednesday we went to the bungalow in the morning and Uncle dropped us off at the swimming baths where we went to watch O, then walked back- K took him home and the rest of us went back to the bungalow to sit in the conservatory- I had a snooze because my cold was making me feel soooo tired and my glands were swollen and hurting like they've never hurt before!!! About 12 we headed off to the town to the pottery cafe where me and Uncle had a nice jacket spud with tuna mayo and Auntie and Grandma had carrot and orange soup (Grandma let me taste hers, it was yummy!) and Mum had a scone. Then we walked along high street up and back down, then Uncle took us to the station and we travelled home.

Thursday and Friday I cancelled my clients as my 'cold' turned into a dreadful cough. Friday night I went to B's with M- 2 nice friends I made when I was a student doing my nursery placement last year- and had good fun and a good giggle, left at 9 due to not being well enough to go down town too, got chips from the chippy on way back... then today I have stayed home and not gone to my bf's so I can rest and get better for my birthday! It's been quite nice. Was a bit bored in the afternoon for a while after I'd visited Grandma and had a nice snooze on conny settee- but Mum rang me (yes rang me lol) to say Neighbours omnibus was on so we could watch the bits we missed when travelling home and when I was out last night. So laying on the bed watching that in her room was nice. Then we had tea and later watched X Factor together, I've had a nice hot bath and washed my hair, and tomorrow will be reading mags in conny how old Sunday mornings used to be- and having Sunday lunch at Grandma's. It's really, really nice being at home! I've missed the lazy, relaxed-ness of it, since with my bf things are always 'on the go'. Although if I did it every weekend I'd be bored and fed up, but it's lovely while convalescing.

Blogging still no simple task! But I'm doing really good today!

It is so bizarre I don't know WHAT is going on! Now, when I press new post, I get the box you post in appear for a second, then it disappears into a white page! In order to be able to write in it, I have refresh the page and then VERY QUICKLY move my cursor to where the stop X is on google chrome- which just so happens to be at the opposite side of the page and only appears for a few moments. It took me three attempts just now but I have my page. WHY it is doing this though, I do not know.

Today I felt better than I have felt in AGES. More like my 'old self'. The self I am forgetting in all honesty. Because I am getting so used to feeling ill, and it being my normality, that when a day like today happens, I realise how bad I'm used to feeling and how, because it's my new baseline, I don't really see it as bad anymore. It's bad compared to what normal used to be, but compared to how bad I can sometimes feel, it's okay. If that makes sense!

So yeah, today- peculiar! I had a terrible night! I had tinnitus worse than ever, I was too hot, my neck was killing me, my lower back was aching into my siatic nerve, I just could not get comfy! So I was awake for hours until I took a piriton (which I usually take every night as they help me sleep more restfully but I didn't bother last night as I felt sooo tired I didn't feel like I needed it, but then as soon as I lay down I was like wide awake!).
So, after that I was expecting to feel rubbish but by mid-afternoon (mornings are still entirely meh) I actually felt clearer in my head. I hadn't realised how foggy and fuzzy I constantly feel in my brain until I felt it today like this fuzz had been lifted away, allowing me some clarity. And then what happened was I became what I call 'chirpier'. Talking fast and animatedly instead of being a bit like a robot, only replying when I have to, only using short sentences, because talking is just too much effort. It's rotten how this disorder changes you when you think about it! I was always very 'bubbly' before it and whilst I don't think anyone would describe me as dull, I certainly feel like it has vastly dulled my personality due to the mental fuzz and constant unrelenting fatigue.

I don't know what it was that caused me to have such clarity after such a terrible night's sleep. I don't know whether an 8th of a 50mg atenolol could do such a thing. I'm not taking one tonight anyway and will see how I feel tomorrow. I am HOPING it's the liquorice root. I did notice when I first started taking it that I had a dramatic improvement in many symptoms, but sadly it didn't last and I got frustrated and went back to the Drs for more meds. That's when I got the florinef and so I stopped taking the liquorice. Now, I wouldn't expect to go from feeling crap most of the time to feeling good all the time, but if indeed it is the liquorice root that gave me this improvement, maybe I'll be able to stay off the florinef and use that instead for as long as it works. If at all possible, I prefer using herbal treatments as I just feel safer with them, due to them tending to have less side effects.

I am also taking motherwort for palpitations, it's great for those. It has the added side effect of making me sleepy in a nice, relaxed sort of hazy way, so I tend to take it at night only, but I'll add in an extra dosage in the day if I'm having any particularly bothersome tachy episodes.

If I can manage my symptoms with just these and the occasional small dose of beta blocker and experience more days like today and more times of feeling like my 'old self' I will be over the moon!

ARRRGGGH!

I am STRESSED!

One thing, bizarre things keep happening with my computer. Like I said in the previous entry, I keep being unable to post to this blog. I've just managed to do so via google chrome, but try to do it using firefox and it just won't have it. I press 'new post' and it directs me but never loads the page, saying 'Transfering data from google analytics...' and the swirly things goes around and around, meanwhile... F ALL HAPPENS!!!!

Also, when I do a google search (something I happen to do a lot more than I realised, but have since realised since it's become such a bugger of a problem) instead of taking me nicely and properly to the page I click on in the search results, I randomly get redirected to other bizarre search engines I'd never before heard of or used- or random porn sites or just any old sites absolutely nothing to do with what I was searching for.

Okay, so since writing that I just tried a google search and that didn't happen, so maybe running spybot search and destroy and doing a restart has sorted out that problem, but the problem with my blog is still ongoing- I cannot write in it from firefox, which is my default browser, because whatever the data is from google analytics, it will not be transfered!

Other things stressing me out:

Being too busy! Okay, I like being busy, but I'm also stressing/worrying because my business is running over into October and this is the time when I start having thoughts of impending doom because it's usually a time when I crash and fatigue takes over my LIFE even more so than it generally has already. Added to that, I have also got to stop my florinef (weaning off it over the next 2 weeks) so that I can have my injections for Peru (can't have live vaccines whilst on it) and also stay off it during the trip (immunosuppression was not recommended by my Dr when I am trekking through the Peruvian jungle). This would be semi okay with me as I managed without meds for 9 years when I was undiagnosed, BUT...

I'm SO BUSY!

It was helping my symptoms and

I'm going thousands of miles away from home, on my own, with no medication to help my POTS... that is bugging out my mind!!!!

back to the being stressed because of being busy... I try and plan things so that I can do busy enjoyable things and then crash out/rest the next couple of days. But then my bf keeps wanting/needing/asking me to do things. So for instance, Friday night was supposed to be a fun, non stressful night out with my good friend M. But now it's also a day out carpet shopping, with his Mum along too (an added stress because she'll give her opinion, which may clash with his and ours, which then means that she gets a bit knarked when he says his opinion is different, which means he then gets stressed with her and they snap at one another, which means I get stressed trying to keep everybody happy whilst also NOT being a doormat and just agreeing with someone else and ending up with a horrible, ugly carpet just to keep the peace and save myself from added tachycardia!!!
And then Saturday, which was supposed to be my day of rest/recovery and recumbency is now me driving us both to a family do. Which I now also have to find the time to buy a card for!!!
And Sunday, Sunday is no longer a day of rest in any way, Sunday I am starting a reflexology course so I will have to drive somewhere I've never been before, early in the morning, which stresses me out anyway, after ALL THAT OTHER STUFF- SHOPPING, PARTYING AND BF'S FAMILY OBLIGATIONS.

So instead of looking forward to a good fun night out, I am stressing about all the other things I have to do!!!

So I thought, this calls for some beta blocker. But BB wipe me out and I don't wanna be wiped out, so I cut a 50mg atenolol into 8ths with some scissors. It was difficult, and I cut my own finger pad, not once, but TWICE!!!!

Also, during the course of this past week, I have gotten into the habit of wasting my precious water by kicking it over in various patches on my carpet as I keep leaving the glass on the floor (where I usually am) and then when I actually get up to move somewhere, I forget it is there and inevitably my foot finds it and my cardigans, which are also on the floor because I'm too darned tired and stressed to waste energy hanging them up in the wardrobe, get a nice cold bath. So then I have to waste even more energy going to the bathroom for a refill of water from the tap!!

Next time I make plans, I am going to make them a week in advance, not 4. I thought I was being sensible and managing my spoons wisely choosing nights out with friends 4 and 5 weeks in advance, but no. That far in advance, other, less organised people tell me my time is to be filled with other things, courses spring out unexpectedly when I'm doing an innocent search (when it actually works) wondering if there might be any starting soon (bloody hell, it starts the same weekend I booked that night out!) and things like carpets end up having to be chosen, bought and fitted. In the meantime the plasterers plaster, the decorator paints, the fireplace fitters fit, the loft insulators insulate and my bf thinks I have it easy because I get away from it all during the week. Little does he know how much stress I am truly under trying to 'save spoons' for all these weekend events that are so tiring for a potsy, especially one who is on HALF HER MEDICATION AND SOON TO BE NONE!!!!

Okay, maybe I might benefit from another 8th of that beta blocker I cut up... all this adrenaline is not conducive to getting a good night's rest.

I feel better for getting that out! A good rant and rave is most therapeutic. Thank goodness at least one browser is letting me post to my blog.

Argh! So busy, but it's good...

I haven't been able to post to this blog for weeks, due to strange things that are happening with my browser- when I've tried to connect to it with firefox, it just says at the bottom 'waiting for google analytics.com' and never does anything beyond that, the swirly thing just goes around and around! I've managed to post this using google chrome, but I have just discovered things are still not quite right as I wanted to edit this part to explain how I've posted this, and the only way I could get this to appear is by pressing 'refresh' and then very quickly pressing 'stop' before this box disappears, as it was only appearing for a split second when I refreshed and then turning into a white screen... bizarre! Also not sure if I can respond to comments so don't think I'm being ignorant or ignoring if you do post one and I don't respond! It's acting weird and I dunno why.

Anyways.

I have been SO busy and am going to be even busier still!!! So many social events coming up I am having palpitations and sleepless nights just from looking at my diary! It's all fun stuff and stuff I am excited about but also apprehensive due to the lack of energy and decreased stamina of having pots. It's like every Friday night for the whole of September apart from one is a night out, and that one that I'm not out I am on the Saturday. Next weekend I am out both Friday night and all day Saturday, thanks to my bfs friends both having their wedding the same darn weekend! I've been a little worried about that for months, because I have to drive on the Saturday after the night out for the Friday do... and I hate driving when tired and potsy, so it's been a background stress for months and now almost here... I will probably feel much better when it's over with, although I should also enjoy the event.

I am equal parts happy about all these fun things to do and also stressed, in an 'argh I hope it doesn't cause me a pots flare' way. But I don't want to live my life in fear always proverbially looking over my shoulder or guarding against having a flare. I do know I've got to pace myself and things and I do what I can to ensure that happens, e.g. leaving things earlier than others, scheduling in 'rest days' in the week, conserving my energy for the weekends as much as possible. What I don't want to do is turn things down because I'm afraid I can't do it... I have to try and if my body starts to give me signs I'm to slow down or even stop, then I will. I can always cancel something but right now, my philosophy is I am going to say YES to these events and go for it, not be half hearted and think 'uhhh I don't know if I should...' IF my body starts to tell me it's not up for it THEN I'll say no, but as long as I'm coping, even if it means being more tired in the week, then I'm bloody well going to have some fun!

So, if I don't blog for a while, it's because I am both resting and conserving my energy for all these fun events over this month... should be back in October with an update if not before.

As for the job/career dilemmas have finally decided- going to work part time in a nursery and the rest of the time doing my therapies. Just need to find that part time nursery job now...

Things with bf brilliant. He is fully supportive and loving with me despite my emotional and physical ups and downs (have had a few teary moments with him last month due to stress and uncertainty about what to do career wise- the stress aspect being the fear of how it will affect my health) and he has included me in all the decisions about how to decorate the new place, which should all be finished in time for my birthday, so I can't wait. It will look fantastic and we adore the place and the area. So all in all, life is looking very rosy and I am tired as usual BUT feeling happy and optimistic for the future.

New Beginnings

Home alone (for a short while at least), rainy day outside, sitting in the lounge enjoying the soothing deep tick of the new mantle clock.

I have a new plan.

I’ve looked over the past few weeks at office/admin jobs (just to do it part time, 2 or 3 days a week) but can’t seem to find anything that really interests me. I’d rather do some work than no work at all, but fact is I do have a job. My holistic therapy. So my new plan is to expand the therapies I offer, to possibly work a couple of days in a holistic therapy clinic, to continue working from here, my parents’ house AND to add in working from my new place with my boyfriend. That way, I’d be getting double the income I get here, potentially even more if I get more exposure by working in the clinic, and eventually with adding in new therapies, an established clientele of returning customers.

My aim is to get enough custom to work full time at doing what I love.

I’m starting a reflexology course in a couple of weeks- only just booked on- but figured that’s a popular treatment and is something I’ve been interested in learning for a while. Bit of a shame I got distracted/confused and thought I wanted to work with children and spent 2 years doing that childcare qualification, but good things did come out of that- a good new friend in particular who I enjoy fun times with, and lots of fun/happy experiences on work placements, so even if I never use the qualification, I don’t regret doing it- it’s just a shame I won’t be qualified as a reflexologist until the summer next year… but at least I am going to get it done, instead of dithering around not knowing what to do! I have plenty enough money to live off of while I get myself set up, that’s not to say it’s not scary, because it’s like starting a new business all over again… but at least I have an income, albeit a small one, from the hypnotherapy I offer here from my parents’ house… so between that and savings, I should be able to afford the bills. Actually, it could turn out more lucrative than getting a part time job, because I’ll be covering more regions by working from my parents’ and from my place with my bf. So the two/three days I was looking at spending in an office environment could well be better spent either here; at my new place or at the therapy clinic, doing treatments. Then I can earn at least £30 an hour. I just need to ensure I get regular custom- which is where the reflexology will come in- and also thankfully I have done massage too, so I could use it, although I’d have to adapt the techniques somewhat to suit me with my health so I’m not tiring myself out doing too much physical stuff. I could also use my reiki and do treatments with that. The beauty of working from the clinic would be I wouldn’t need to advertise, so I’m really hoping they have a slot somewhere I could fit in… even if it’s only for one day.

It’s a new challenge… but I’d rather take on a challenge than be afraid to even try and thus never know if it could have worked out.

Today's Daily Motivator

Greatness within you
There is greatness within you. Let that greatness shine.

You know for a fact that you are special. Use this day to bring that unique beauty and value to life.

Every situation is an opportunity to make a difference in your own special way. In every moment you can bring new richness to life.

No matter what your job or circumstances may be, there is always plenty of valuable work to be done. You can find great joy and fulfillment by doing what you can with what you have to make the world a better place.

Take a small step forward right now, and see how good it feels. Take another step, and another, and be delighted at how much you accomplish.

Feel the greatness that lives within you. Let that greatness freely flow into every part of your world.

-- Ralph Marston

Read more: http://greatday.com/index.html#ixzz0wQ97dAeb

POTS demons.

It’s funny (not as in haha, how hilarious, but as in interesting) how even the smallest of disagreements has underlying demons lurking underneath- striking out, making us act in seemingly irrational ways.

During a phone conversation earlier, boyfriend told me he’d thrown away my bread that had been in the freezer. I “overreacted”- saying oh boooo, that bread is expensive, I wanted to take it out of the freezer on moving day and make sandwiches! Booo hoo hoooo!
He then “overreacted” back, getting very irate and saying a lot more words to get HIS point across than I used (I’m more succinct in the verbal word so it seems- not in the written). Words like how he is having to do this all alone and it’s very stressful and he didn’t want the bread there because he couldn’t be bothered with it (ouch- out claws another demon of mine) and that the bread was stressing him out and he’s doing this on his own because I can’t help etc etc ad nauseum.

I went all dizzy and weak (sometimes that happens when I’m tired/when something triggers off some unwanted emotion- it’s like my body just shuts down and goes ERROR:00513- CAN’T HANDLE- MUST SHUT DOWN and just let him go on and on saying ‘okay’ and ‘mmm hmmm’ in a little, weak voice. Strangely though, this is a better way of dealing with things (it doesn’t happen by choice, it just happens and I wish I could do it more often because it’s better than the alternative, which I am about to describe) than getting irate and ranting back. Because once he’d run out of steam, he wanted to smooth things over. I didn’t have any steam to get worked up or argue my point back, so what could have blown up into a really stupid disagreement (those demons like to pour kerosene on the fire of disagreements!) about something seemingly insignificant, didn’t.

Afterwards though, I was thinking about things, and my demons were still clawing at me. First, the demons of being hurt that boyfriend didn’t ASK me if I WANTED the bread but just CHUCKED IT OUT with BRUTAL DISREGARD for my FEELINGS (yes I’m using hyperbole here but there’s a grain of truth in this- why didn’t he just ask? Do my things mean so little? Why did he have such a vendetta against my bread that it had to be gone RIGHT NOW because it was so ‘stressing him out’? What about my sandwiches on moving day? My little imaginary picnic? No no no, what about ME? My feelings?) See what I mean about the demons?

Then there were the POTSdemons. (There are a great many of those- they are all the things that pretty much every human being feels to some degree that POTS likes to exacerbate- I.e. pour kerosene on!). I’d been ‘helping’ boyfriend by staying out of the way while he’s been packing. Just minding my own business, getting on with my own things, ‘leaving him to it’. I was doing this merrily and obliviously, thanking that I’d read ‘men are from mars…’ and other such books that tell us ladies that ‘men like to be in control’ and ‘don’t offer help unless they ask for it, or they’ll feel emasculated’ etc etc. I thought I was helping boyfriend feel awesomely masculine and like the solver of all packing related traumas and problems by not being there.

But when I recognised the demons under what he was saying on the phone, I realised he’s been seeing my ‘support’ as the total opposite- CRAPPYGIRLFRIENDNEGLECT,zomg!!!! So then my demons of horror, guilt and shame started throwing a party. For the biggest of the POTSdemons- a surprise to celebrate no longer being suppressed- a coming into consciousness party for- FEELING USELESSNESS.

Yes that’s right boys and girls, demons and fairies- thanks to POTS I feel USELESS! I can’t lift boxes. I can’t go up and downstairs many times fetching and carrying things. I had a bad, potsy week last week so didn’t have the energy to drive over and offer support in person. And because deep down I FELT USELESS anyway, I didn’t even think that I would be welcome ‘in person’. That, like boyfriend said ‘just having you sitting there as emotional support while I packed would be nice’ (oh guilt, do stop kicking my stomach!). When I envisaged such a thing momentarily weeks earlier, I could just see me as this awkward, ungainly, clumsy thing getting in the way, feeling useless and thus being even more clumsy than useful*, and boyfriend getting mad at me (sometimes I forget-okay, often I forget- that he’s not at all like my Dad) and me feeling even more useless and like a blob of humanoid jelly just bibbling around doing nothing useful but just being all blibby, bibbly and blobby.

*Here is a prime example of the uselessness demon clawing out- that there is an absolutely unintentional Freudian slip! I meant to type USUAL!!

I thought I was doing the much better thing keeping out of the way and making boyfriend feel like superman solving all the problems, doing all the leg-work, packing up all the boxes, standing back looking pleased and proud and telling everyone “I did this all by myself.” (Cue cheer and slaps on the back).

But no, it was more like “I’m doing this all alone, it’s stressful.”

So, I’ve obviously been completely delusional thanks to my POTSdemons and a simple little 2 minute diatribe about frozen bread getting chucked out without guilt or remorse led to the epiphany on my behalf that I FEEL USELESS and boyfriend feels ALONE AND STRESSED!

Oh no, oh woe, poor us!!!

So, cue overly long, rambly and emotional apologetic text, full of drama and angst, the demon underneath it all whimpering in the corner just crying out for forgiveness. (I’ve been sick today with stomach flu and hardly got sleep last night thanks to the pain- and I get overly emotional and dramatic when tired).

Boyfriend’s text back was ‘don’t worry, get well soon.’ (plus smile and kiss).

It makes it all quite comical, when you quash the demons and true love conquers all.

I do still feel useless though… I think that is one demon that I’ve got a lot of battling to do with… it’s a POTS thing fo’sure, it’s soooo hard to feel useful when half the time you can’t even get your own body to do simple things that you want it to do for yourself, let alone to ‘help’ anyone else. And then you feel like you’re blaming POTS for everything and people will think you’re this big, stupid, bimbling, wimpy hypochondriac lazy loser person who always says (insert appropriate whiney tone) “I can’t.” But that’s a whole other post/series of posts/lifetime of posts.

To some this would seem ludicrous...

But I KNOW my potsy and spoony friends will 'get it'.

On Saturday (the day of the ball) I was having a pretty blah day. I woke up feeling really tired and 'out of it' and knew getting out of bed was going to be hard on my body. I was also pissed off because I'd been feeling really good for about a week, then woke up feeling like THAT the day of my 'big event of the year'! I took a shower (to get it out of the way because it tends to wipe me out even when I feel good), had lunch and went back to bed until it was time to get ready.

Then I had to drive to my bfs, and I was coming up the drive in my tight black dress, with my shiny just washed hair with added SHINE SERUM and my eye makeup done beautifully (I rarely bother with makeup so when I do, I make it really emphasise my eyes) and the very first thing my bf said to me was:

"You look tired."

and inside my reactions was WOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!! Bells ringing, birdies tweeting, little men jumping in the air with fists of triumph YESSSSSSSS!!!

Because I thought to myself, FINALLY! Someone can SEE I am having a bad day! Someone can SEE THROUGH THE VENEER and recognise how I really feel!

I think what it was was my demeanour more than anything, because I was feeling weak and dizzy and was tottering in heels trying to carry a heavy bag, so I was moving really slowwwly and carefully, and my bf said I looked 'really wary' walking up the drive.

Still, it's only ever been my Mum and my friend M. who have ever recognised that I don't look so good (M recognised it when we went out at Christmas- she told me I looked really tired and she said- in her exuberant, foreign accented style- I never seen you look this way, so tired! Ahh, she was really worried and mother hen-ish that night lol). M also noticed I was looking better at the ball (despite it being a bad day, I'm still loads better than I was a few months ago) and she pointed out that my eyes didn't have the dark circles under them anymore.

My bf however likes to take the credit (jokingly) for many of my symptoms- my racing heart is because I'm excited to see him, my dizziness is because I'm positively swooning, and my rosy cheeks (that I now have since taking florinef and generally doing better) are because I'm GETTING SOME!

hehehe, he makes me laugh.

But only a potsy or spoony will really understand that feeling of elation I had when he told me I looked tired. It was better than if he'd told me I looked stunningly fabulous and made him want to ravish me.

"You look tired". Well I'd have never expected THOSE '3 little words' to be the words I was most excited to hear from him. ;)

:D Happy Things

My bf's moving date has been brought forward one week! So, I'll be with him for the exciting day and the first weekend in the new place (that we chose together!). So so happy and excited. A week on Friday!!

I've told him I won't be able to help physically (he still overestimates what I am capable of and thought I'd be okay to carry boxes to the van, I did a little practice just holding a box and it sent my heart rate up so much that my legs and arms went weak, so I had to tell him it's too much for me. Stupid pots, because I was actually very strong before it, but I don't want to make myself ill on moving day and not enjoy our first weekend there!). He told me he's got the 'muscles' to help him (some friends he's roped in) and so long as I am there to share the special day it is okay.

So not sure exactly how I can help, maybe I will be able to make tea and provide snacks. It will probably still be tiring for me coz it's going to involve mostly standing as there'll be nothing to sit on! But I figure I'll be okay if I keep moving somehow, since I can walk for a few hours. I'll have to just pace about and make sure everything is running smoothly!

Another thing I am very happy about it I got back on the dance-floor! Here's a little anecdote- when I first heard about POTS online (a couple of people told me to look into it based on my symptoms) I thought I couldn't possibly have it because I didn't have any problems standing- and one of my favourite things has always been to 'dance the night away' on a dance floor and I never feel tired whilst doing so. However, what I hadn't realised was that my fatigue for the next couple of days wasn't normal. I thought everyone felt that way, and put it down to the exertion and the late night. I didn't realise it was because I was also potsy on top of that!

So, when I had this recent flare up it freaked me out because for the first time ever, I did feel tired and weak when dancing. So I am really, really ECSTATIC that I've been able to do that again and feel okay. Florinef is turning out to be a god-send because, although I still feel tired, I don't get the same degree of fatigue and am able to do much, much more before feeling weak.

Another great thing is my best friend from the walking group, M, who has been down in the dumps the past few months due to a bad ankle injury requiring a big surgery, was out with me in much better spirits and we danced together and had great fun. When her ankle couldn't take it anymore and I was getting tired too, we put our chairs on the dance floor (at the edge) and danced with our upper bodies. What I loved about that was having a friend with me crazy enough to do that. So many people take life too seriously and are worried about doing things that are "embarrassing". To us, it wasn't embarrassing at all but just great fun! We got some funny looks but that's all part of the fun of not taking yourself or life too seriously!

So yeah, both of us made a great comeback. :) This makes me happy, as I'd hardly seen her lately because she's been away a lot and times when I've made myself go out to walking group events, she hasn't, times when she has, I haven't- we've kept missing one another and I hadn't been well enough to drive and see her up until recently. So it was great to get back together Friday for the chinese and Saturday at the ball. :) She even said to me she had worried that maybe we weren't going to remain friends! I explained how it was only because of the pots that I hadn't been over to see her and not because I didn't want to. We'd stayed in touch via facebook and phone messages, I hadn't realised that she'd been worried about that. But now she knows and things are looking up, so we're probably going to be hanging out more often from now on. Yay! :)

So, the rest of the Summer is looking good!

:/

I keep finding phone numbers and names of clients on random bits of paper or in the back pages of my diary, and I can't remember calling them.

This means that I either a) Forgot to call them (bad- losing customers due to brain fog is never good!) or b) I forgot that I have called them and have maybe even seen them, but can't remember (not as bad in that it means I didn't lose custom but bad because I usually see people 5 times, how can I forget seeing someone 5 times?!)

Dear oh dear, I am going to have to help myself out and make sure to be more ORGANISED because if I can't remember these things (and evidently I can't) I need to make sure I write them down in my diary and put CALL THIS PERSON and then TICK IT OFF when I've done it!!!

Brilliant Weekend

Since Friday, actually. I picked my friend M. up from the local shopping mall and, as it was a nice day, rather than having lunch there, I brought her back here- stopping off first at a little, local garden to show her the baby swallows in their nest. :) We then chilled out in the garden, ate cookies, chatted and then had chinese for tea. It was a lovely afternoon. I drove her home and then spent a nice, quiet evening watching telly with my Mum as my Dad was out.

Saturday, for some reason I woke up feeling very drained and tired. I suppose driving to a mall and back and then through Sheffield and back is tiring for a potsy but I'd been doing SO well so I was really fed up about it. Well, more pissed off because I felt like Friday was a chilled, relaxed day and yet I still suffered potsyness after it- but I just rested all day- went back to bed after lunch and dozed- it was too hot to fall asleep, but I think taking it really easy helped, because I had a really good time at the ball.

I went to my bfs first and he made me laugh saying he could hardly look at me in my dress because he wanted to take it off and couldn't (as I'd got ready at home and arrived just in time to have a little chat before he dropped me off- he didn't go himself). He dropped me off and I then had great fun eating and dancing- I tried a little wine but found 1. I didn't really like it and 2. It was just giving me a headache so it wasn't even worth drinking it- I stuck with my water!

I had enough energy to dance to a number of songs, I felt much, much better than I have in a LONG time! :D Towards the end of the night, me and my best friend put our chairs on the dance-floor (she has an ankle injury and can't stand for long periods either) and did seated dancing- it was really fun because we still got to be part of all the fun, but without having to keep standing!

Today I had a nice lay in and then me and my bf picked what wardrobes we're having in the new place, had lunch, went a little walk and found our new local (I'm excited because it does discos on a Saturday night, so if I make some new local girly friends I can do more dancing- not every week by no means but every so often, it's great to have the option!) then came back to watch the golf on telly and after tea we picked what fire we're going to have in the new place. :) We're SOOOO excited, I can't wait!!!!

I'm shattered now and catching his cold, booo! But it was a brilliant weekend and I am SO pleased with how much better I feel now on florinef. Nothing is perfect and pots still affects me, but I have a lot more energy and "standing power" (i.e. I can stand for longer without feeling weak) so it allows me to do more things. Plus, getting up in the morning and not feeling terrible like I'd gotten used to feeling (and to say I just thought I "wasn't a morning person") is wonderful! I am really thrilled- all in all, things couldn't be better, but I do believe they are going to become better yet- when I get a job, move in with my bf, and make new local friends and have even more fun and enjoyment in my life! :)

I got a blog award!

Another kind blogger who found my blog has passed on a blog award to me. In all the crazyness with worrying about my boyfriend and his Mum last week, and my 'career' this week, I'd forgotten to post about it!

I'll have to edit this later with further details as I'm waiting for a client who should be here any moment.

I applied for the job at university! :) I feel happy that I'm looking into other avenues whilst still planning on keeping up my hypnotherapy and adding to my repertoire of other holistic therapies. I feel like I have made the 'right' decision.

Applying for a job!!!!

I found a job I liked the sound of, so I'm applying.

It's a little too late in the day for me to fill out my statement 'selling myself' to be picked for an interview, and I have a really busy day tomorrow, so hopefully I'll be clear enough in the head to do it Friday morning!

It's quite exciting!

The funny thing is, it's to be part of the careers service team at the university. That's funny because I have never really decided on a career for myself, never really known what to do... but it would be rather nice if I could help others make their minds up and save them the hassle and stress (that I've experienced first hand myself) of not knowing what to do with their lives!

I still want to be a holistic therapist and keep expanding the treatments I offer, so I'm going to do the herbalism course and probably a reflexology course next September (not this September as I miss three of the weekends due to a friends wedding and being in Peru, and it's very strict that you must attend all the days!) and then I can look into the health and therapy clinic near my new home with my bf, and maybe start building up a clientele there. That's depending on how working full time goes- if I enjoy that I might not want to work at the clinic! It's all a case of just embarking on a different path, and I don't know where it will take me... but I have to trust that it will all work out okay.

I do feel more positive lately. And I've now got the childcare qualification as backup if I do decide to go into that in the future. And the beauty of getting a 'different kind of job' than what I was considering by potentially getting into teaching is that it shouldn't be stressful/detrimental to my health- it should be the type of work I can leave at work- and thus I should be able to keep up my hypnotherapy practice in the evenings, from our new home.

I'd be happy so long as I got a job that was relatively interesting with nice people/the opportunity to forge new friendships and have a laugh at work! I miss the social aspect of working, I really enjoyed that when I worked in the nursery last Summer. So if I get nice work colleagues and a reasonably interesting job role, I'll be happy. Even though I love children, the more I consider my feelings and my needs, the more I believe that teaching wouldn't have made me happy after all. My instincts were probably right back in 2007 when I turned down my interview for a PGCE. If I miss children, I could do an evening with Brownies or Rainbows, apparently they are desperate for volunteers for that!

So, maybe now everything is coming together and I'm finally finding my way. :-)

Clearer Mind = Change of heart...

Okay, so I said I wanted to apply for the graduate teacher program.

I emailed and asked for a form. Haven't had a reply.

My Mum is a teacher, one of her best friends who I have a lot of contact with is, my Dad is a teacher, one of my best friends is.

They are all nearly always very stressed and tired from the job.

I had big fears and doubts as to my ability to do it but I kept quashing them because I love children so much.

But you know what, I'm not really sure my heart is 100% in it. It would be if education hadn't changed so much, but these days (I know from my Mum) it's all about targets and statistics and staff getting bossed about to meet these targets/statistics so much that the enjoyment of actually being with the children is spoiled by the stress of the paperwork.

The level of fatigue I feel just doing my easy part time work from home is still very high. I don't want to do something that's going to make me more ill.

I think maybe I have to accept that I'm not cut out for it. I suffer with sore throats frequently so can't talk loud or raise my voice. I get overwhelmed/overstimulated easily so how I'd cope in a busy classroom environment with those two problems is beyond me, not to mention the fact that since I became ill, I don't want responsibility or stress...

I think if I tried to do teaching just because I love children and ignored all those other factors, I could be setting myself up to fail, setting myself up to be ill.

Also, I want to have a life outside of my job. I believe if I were to be a teacher, I'd come home exhausted, and the weekend walks would be gone.

Plus, I still get terribly brain foggy and that, above all the physical limitations, scares me silly because I could not be responsible for teaching children when a lot of the time I can't function for myself thanks to that.

So, I am coming to the conclusion that applying for the GTP is probably not for me.

There are other ways I can indulge in my love for helping children. I could do some voluntary work, such as be a helper at Rainbows or Brownies.

As for a job, well this is where I get stuck. I just don't know what to do. I'm THINKING that I'll get a simple admin job where I'd be sitting all day in an office. I'm almost loathe to say that because I could never see myself doing that, I wanted a job that would challenge and interest me BUT... my priorities are changing because of POTS and even though that does suck, I'm just thankful I have the option of working at all.

I figured if I had some kind of admin job, I could leave work at work and still have a life. Enjoy my weekends, go on holidays, not just be worn out all the time. I could also keep my finger in my holistic therapy pie. That's where my true passions lie. I love doing my hypnotherapy and would like to keep it up. When I move to the new area with my bf next year, it'll be an opportunity to get new clients and contacts. I might go to work in a clinic one day a week or something and see if I can build up a good reputation. I'd like to do the distance learning course in herbalism so I can also add that to it. There's so many courses in holistic therapy like naturopathy and chinese medicine that I'd be interested in taking to keep expanding my practice. I love the one-to-oneness of working in this way, helping people improve their lives. If I was a teacher, I wouldn't have the time or energy for it.

So, my new plan is to find a job somewhere, perhaps in a university or a hospital, doing admin or research or something (I'm vague because I've never had a job like this so don't really know what's out there or what it entails!) to get a regular decent wage coming in... and see if I can take one day per week off to work in a clinic doing my hypnotherapy/herbalism. And also do hypnotherapy from home too.

I think, even though I'd miss children, I'd be happier and HEALTHIER doing that. I've seen how terribly stressed and tired my Mum gets and she doesn't even have any health problems. I couldn't deal with it. It would make me ill. I don't think even my THROAT could take it. As soon as I'm a little run down from maybe one bad night, it hurts, gets dry and sore... I don't have a 'teachers voice' in me!

The strange thing is, since thinking this to myself, I feel... kind of peaceful. A little bit sad, but more at peace- it feels more right. I'm also scared because I don't know what kind of job I want or how to get it or if I can... but I'll just keep looking- I'm not wanting to start anything til after I've been to Peru ideally. Unless I saw something that sounded just right. I can just keep looking for ideas.

And, while I'm not doing anything these next few months, I can send off for the herbalism course and do that! It's exciting and interesting and who knows, I might be able to do some work as a herbalist at the end of it. There's a therapy clinic near my bfs (and what's also going to be my) new home. I'd just have to rent a room out. Maybe could just have one afternoon off work or something.

I just see possibilities in keeping that going. I enjoy helping people with therapy and I'm really good at it. I think I could end up crashing and burning as a teacher because it would be so demanding for me.

Maybe it's getting some of my health and energy back thanks to florinef that's helped me think more rationally and realise how precious that is and how I don't want to waste it doing something that I'm not really capable of. It's a hard thing to say to myself, to admit to myself, but I think it's healthy to recognise my limitations and not try to push the boundaries all the time just because I see my health as "holding me back". Maybe it isn't holding me back, but forcing me to look in a different direction, towards new possibilities I'd never have considered without it making me do so. And that doesn't mean those possibilities are worse, or lesser.

So, I reckon I'm going to send off for the herbalism course and get on with doing that, and in the meantime keep a lookout for some kind of job- I'm looking a lot on the local university pages as they have some that look as though they could be interesting. Fingers crossed I can find something I'll enjoy- it's a whole new world to me so I have no idea what to really look for or expect! I think with the teaching I was thinking 'better the devil you know' but the more I've thought about it, and listened to my fear not as though it's an enemy but this time maybe a sensible thing, I've come to the conclusion that it could indeed have been 'the devil' for me and just ruined any gains in my health that I've made these past few years since getting ill at uni. Which is not something I want to do to myself.

So, I'll continue to be a "holistic therapist" and keep adding to my repertoire. And I'll look for something else I can also do that's simple and pays for the bills. Then I can still have energy to enjoy fun times with friends and weekend walks with my boyfriend. Basically, have a nice, simple life that's as stress free and kind to my health as possible.

A week on florinef...

My first week on florinef, I was exhausted and downhearted. I think everything was just getting to me, the fact my symptoms this year have been so much worse (despite having had POTS for the past 9 years, because it took me that long to find out what it was) was worrying me that I was going downhill, once you let fear in, you just start to suffer more, which is why I like Nikki's favourite quote "He who is afraid to suffer suffers already from his fear." I want to suffer as less as possible so I'm trying to just get on with life and not be afraid.

I don't think I am going downhill though, I just have different symptoms that are more noticeable. I had symptoms of fatigue for years, used to have nausea but thankfully that one went away, used to have severe pelvic pain, that one went away- so really it's just a change of symptoms, and if anything I'm much better than I was, the only thing is I am also much busier than I was, so perhaps that's why I am feeling as if I'm not improving, because I'm doing more and thus feeling tired a lot, but at least it's because I've been doing things and not like it was in the early days, tired just from getting out of bed!

One symptom I do HATE which I wish would go away though is my tremors. I get this weird feeling that's similar to the one you get when you need to stretch- that feeling of tension that's usually relieved by stretching so the stretch feels good- well I get that tension feeling but it's not relieved- it just kind of builds up in my chest into this feeling of 'too much energy, not enough air' in there- so I feel like I can't breathe enough oxygen. I guess it's the 'fight or flight' feeling, because it makes me feel like I need to move. I can't sit comfortably with it, it makes me want to keep moving to alleviate the feeling. I only ever get it when I'm still. A lot when trying to sleep (which disturbs me) and a lot when sitting. What's also horrible about it is if I try to just ignore it, my body gets these odd jerks/tremors. My leg will twitch/jump or my arms kind of go violently in and my shoulders shrug. I don't do this myself, it just happens to my body, and it's really annoying!

One of the downsides of florinef is I've noticed I am feeling this way more often. But I also noticed in little bits and bobs, my head is clearer and I'm not as tired/fuzzy, so I don't want to give up. Although these 'twitchy/wired up' feelings are actually my least favourite symptom, so if I can't find a way to soothe them and they continue to be this bad, I might have to see about a medication change. But I'm going to give it time and hope that maybe something else has caused the tremoryness to be worse, like the heat and a week of deprived sleep due to being too hot.

I am possibly going to have a very busy next week as well! I have the Summer Ball of the walking group this coming weekend, then next week my boyfriend is on about going to watch a practice golf championship in Scotland together, so that would be over 5 hours of travelling, staying in a B and B, walking around the golf course, watching the golf, another night at the B and B and 5+ hours home, I also made arrangements to see a friend (before I knew about this golf thing, otherwise I wouldn't have made those arrangements and would have just rested!) and, if possible, my bf might be moving house that Friday (a week on Friday) so I'd be helping with that. If he's NOT moving that Friday (it depends how fast solicitors can get the paperwork done) I am going to a POTS group meeting- yes, real life potsies meeting in my home city!

So that's a rather intimidatingly busy line up... hope I can gather the spoons for it!!! I am going on holiday soon after, so I know I can rest, rest, rest for two whole weeks, thankfully.

A very sweet thing

Yesterday got off to a very stressful start, my bf and I were woken at 5.30am by banging on the door (that's enough to give anyone tachycardia, so my heart when I sat up while he went down to investigate was terribly speedy!) and it didn't get any better when the news was that his Mum had been taken into hospital.

We rushed up and went, she wasn't admitted so we ended up having a nice day, though strange, once we brought her home. It's still a worry as she's been poorly a while and isn't yet recovering at all. :/

My bf told me he was surprised I'd gone along too and not stayed in bed sleeping! He knows how I don't deal well with early starts but I was shocked he thought I wouldn't go. I told him he'd underestimated me vastly. He admitted that after 7 years of dating 'horrible women' who just used him, he couldn't get used to being with someone so different- that he knows I'm not like them, but his brain just can't seem to get used to it and he has to pinch himself to believe how lucky he is.

He later said something so lovely: he said "You've got a heart of gold, never mind a racing heart." :-) I felt so touched. He told me he'd waited all his life for a woman like me and thought it was never going to happen.

I just thought I'd share, since it's such a nice thing for a potsy girl to hear, lol. :-)

Blog mania!

Okay, so I obviously blog when I am thinking things through... lol- it's my version of mulling it over, and I often choose to do it in this blog because my POTS condition affects a lot of the decisions I make and I know my fellow POTSy/chronically ill followers understand what that's like!

It's funny that Michele should have mentioned online courses in my post below because it just occurred to me that this would probably be the best way to go about it.

That way, I can TAKE AS LONG AS I WANT/NEED. I don't have to worry about travelling time/fatigue/expenses. (I don't travel well- so travelling to learn when also working is just about the worst for me!).

Also, it's NOT AS EXPENSIVE.

And I'd still get a qualification that would allow me to join some sort of 'body' for the ethical practice of herbalism.

For instance, doing the 5 year course would cost a scary few thousand pounds each YEAR.

I could buy the online course for half that price and that would be the whole course plus materials, everything! Then I could do it at my own pace with tutor support.

So, with this option now in mind, my plan is...

Apply for the graduate teacher program. I still want to work with children and can see myself enjoying this role.

Think more on this herbalism stuff, and if I do decide to go ahead, I can send off for an online course and progress at my own pace. That way, if at any time I'm 'under pressure' either in my role as a teacher or in my training, I can put the herbalism stuff to one side, to pick up later when I have the time/energy.

I've got to be practical as well as follow my dreams, and after all these years of not working, I do need a sustainable income doing SOMETHING and preferably something I enjoy- so for this reason, I am making the teaching course my priority, and the herbalism idea something I COULD do if the dream is still with me in the coming months. So I'm not jumping into any sudden decisions. There's a lot to consider, like- with the state of the economy as it is, I can't really justify forking out thousands of pounds for lengthy training when in the future, people might not be wanting to consult a herbalist! There's no guarantee of a good income, so I might never earn back the money spent, not to mention the time it takes and the ENERGY!

I want to live a happy, comfortable life enjoying what I do. I don't want to take on too much and be overworked for the next 5 years, so I've decided 99% against doing the original course I saw and am going to take my time and look into distance learning courses. But that said, the teaching course is the priority.

Another advantage I can see to this is I can either: wait until I've qualified as a teacher and got a feel for how much spare time/energy I have realistically before doing the course, OR I can start it as soon as I've applied for the GTP and be doing it in those 'empty months' January-September before I can actually start. Then, if I haven't completed it by then (not sure how long realistically it would take to do 9 modules) I could put it on a back burner if needs be whilst doing the teacher training.

After completion, I could then work as a herbalist on Saturday mornings in a clinic near our new home (these are just ideas) and build up a practice. Then if that works out good, could potentially move to working part time in teaching, and doing herbalism/holistic therapy the rest of the time (maybe 2 days per week).

If I didn't do it that way, I could always save the herbalism and the hypnosis (and any other holistic therapy qualifications I might acquire) for when I'm retired (I like to think of long term plans as well as short term goals and living for the moment). Basically, I just want to ensure I have options and don't get 'stuck in a rut' doing any one thing.

A sign...

I got on the phone, made enquiries, and with my savings, I can afford the course itself. What I don't yet know is how much extra costs there will be, like books, travel expenses (unfortunately I can only do one year of it in Manchester- nearest me- the rest is in London so not sure what it will cost to keep travelling back and forth or to stay one night in a hotel each weekend I'm there).

Another important and scary thing I don't know is how much work I will have to put in in between weekends attending the course. If working full time, not sure how much energy and time I'm going to have for that... so yeah, it's scary.

But a big part of me still feels like I'd like to try! Even though another scary factor is at the end, I'm not even guaranteed to make any money at this! Though I do think I could.

There's so many offputting things about it, but maybe- just maybe- this time my dream could take me beyond that...

I asked for a 'sign' if this is the right path to take, and funnily enough when I just logged on, today's daily motivator said thus:

Another road
If something looks to be impossible, look at it in a different way. What you wish to do can be done, though perhaps not in the way you originally thought.

Just because one road is blocked, does not mean that the destination is unreachable. You can always find another road, or make your own.

An important part of any achievement is making it your own achievement. It is your very own dream, and you must find your own way there.

Whatever seems to be blocking you is merely guiding you to be more creative. Each challenge brings with it a new opportunity to add your own unique value to the effort.

Don't let your mind get so tightly wrapped around the problems of the moment that you fail to see the larger possibilities. Know that there's a way to move forward, and you'll find it.

Your imagination is what first connected you to your dream. Nourish that imagination and let it carry you all the way there.

-- Ralph Marston

Read more: http://greatday.com/index.html#ixzz0s90PRc90

I've not made up my mind, but I'm going to talk it through with my bf and my Grandma, and I am seriously considering it.

I have no idea though, if I do go ahead and apply, what job to do in the meantime. I think this AND teaching could well be too much, especially as I'd be training for a year in the teaching too so would have work to do for that. Maybe I'd be better off going back to the alternative option of working up to being a HLTA... but I don't know. There is a LOT to think about. I just hope I can make a decision I am happy with that carries me forwards!

It's never too late... right?

All my life, I've been so 'out of it' health wise that I could never really make my mind up what I truly wanted to do. Everything I 'looked into' seemed too hard, to take too long, would be too 'scary'- too 'much' for me in my state of health.

I'm planning to apply to a teaching course that I'd start next year in September. I do love working with children and I'm sure I'd enjoy it, but I'm not sure if it would be my passion.

At the weekend, something happened that made me wonder if I might just be finding my passion. My boyfriends Mum was taken ill in hospital. She's okay, well she didn't have to be admitted anyway. But afterwards, he said something that's obviously got me thinking.

He was praising me on how I was able to help and deal with the situation, and how I had so much knowledge of medicines (and herbs) and I jokingly said "I should have been a herbalist." To which he replied "It's never too late" and went on to tell me I'd make a brilliant one.

Just thinking about actually being able to do that makes me feel excited. Makes me feel... fulfilled. Like I'd be making a difference, the kind of difference I want to make. Helping people- not just with prescribing herbs but in talking to them, listening to them, helping them holistically, making them feel valued.

Trouble is, it's not that easy. I'm 28 this year. I haven't had a 'real' job yet, ever. I need to earn money. I have limited energy. The course will cost money. It will take time (a long time if I do it part time!). I will need a job to pay for the course and my living expenses when I move in with my bf, but that means I can't do the course in 3 years, it will take FIVE. That's a long time. I'd be 33 before I could even start practising. What do I do in the meantime?? Do I apply for the teaching course? That in itself is going to be hard work. Will I be taking on too much and making my own health suffer?

Or another option is working up to a HLTA in a school like I considered before. That wouldn't have the stress of teaching at least, or the extra paperwork and hours, so might leave me more time and energy to put into the naturopathy training. But I'm not sure I'd have enough money to live on and pay for the training for 5 years!!

There's a lot I need to think about. And I've done this many times, thought of something, felt like it'd be a great thing to do, then looked deeper into it and come to the sad conclusion that it's "beyond me"

But if I keep doing that then it really WILL be beyond me; I don't want to look back in 10 years time and think, if only I'd tried when I was 27... now it really IS too late. In the same way now I'm thinking 'if only I'd realised this at 17... I'd have had more confidence to go for it, because I'd have time on my side'.

But 33 is hardly old! If I taught for 5 years and then changed careers and became a herbalist at 33, at least I'd be keeping life interesting. And then if it turned out I did find teaching really stressful, at least I'd know I'd got another option. And even if I spent the money becoming a herbalist and then didn't end up working as one because I might end up enjoying teaching, I could retire as a herbalist when teaching becomes 'too much' and even if I didn't do that, it may be worth it for the knowledge and the learning, even if I don't use it in a job-related role.

It all depends how much it costs, and whether I feel I'll be cut out for the amount of study involved (which, lets face it as we know with POTs is very daunting).

It might turn out I have to admit defeat and be 'sensible'. But I have an idea now and it's an idea that is making me feel there's something in life to be excited about again... so I'm not giving up on the idea just yet...

Reminder of the recent past...

One of my best friends just uploaded some pictures of a night out we had last year, in November. It was an absolutely BRILLIANT night out. I got drunk and suffered muchly the next day (didn't know I had POTS so couldn't understand why I was still feeling 'drunk' and so dizzy all day the next day!) but the fun that was had was worth it, and I'm not usually one for getting drunk, even before knowing about POTS. I could always have a good time without it. Never needed it for confidence or anything- but this one particular night, I was just enjoying it and it made me very giggly and very happy- I feel like it made me more my natural self.

There's this one photo of me, her and my best male friend (well, after my boyfriend that is) and we all look SO happy (and healthy!). It's quite poignant because shortly after both my health and my female friends deteriorated- my POTS flared horribly and she had to have an operation on her ankle and has been out of work and depressed because of how it has incapacitated her (she cycles competitively and does rowing and all sorts of very sporty things, so to not be able to do that is awful for her).

I went on a night out in the same pub recently, a couple of weeks ago. She didn't go because she had a bad pain night. I forced myself to go and spent a lot of time sitting and staring into space. It made me so sad, remembering what fun we'd had the first time, and how different it was the second... when I was tired and doped up on hypertensive meds in an attempt to lower my heart-rate.

I am going somewhere with all this, not just rambling...

Seeing how bright and happy I look in this picture of the three of us made me determined, I am GOING to get back to that. Even if my POTS doesn't improve to the extent that I feel as healthy, I am GOING to have that bright, happy smile and FEEL that happy and carefree.

I was given a prescription for florinef today. When I read of the side effects and the effects of long term use I felt my heart sink and I felt very afraid to even start it! I don't want to depend on something that can give me GLAUCOMAS and osteoperosis!!!!

But then, after seeing that photo, it made me think. If it can give me back some better quality of life, it may very well be worth the risk- as they often have to report the very worst case scenarios in those leaflets on side effects because of this litigious society we live in. I've had 9 years of feeling fatigued and battling exhaustion- nights out like that were always few and far between- which I guess is why I was always SO happy when I went on one and felt good! If taking a pill could do something that gave me back more of that energy and sparkle that I've very much lost lately, then I'd take that over another 9 years of battling and feeling drained. Even though it scares me half to death to rely on something that could cause such awful effects in the long term.

That's what I'm telling myself anyway- because I'm hoping the fear is an overreaction. But I still feel uncomfortable about it.

But if I could feel as happy and well as I felt that night, and have a few years of that... well, it wouldn't be worth getting a glaucoma but I'm hopeful that the risk of that is minimal enough to make the positives outweigh the fear I feel.

Basically I guess what I am saying is, even though it scares me, even though I hate 'relying' on pharmaceuticals, IF they help me to feel good, so I can be bright and sparkly and happy again (not dulled and drained and wearing a painted on smile) then it's worth facing my fears.

If

If I was given the choice-

Option A: you could have all your POTS symptoms go away, be as fit as ever, never feel tired again, never have tremors again, never lay awake at night with your heart racing again, and you could have a ticket to travel round the world and write a book that would be guaranteed to be a best seller, have your own holistic health healing clinic out in the country, basically have ALL your dreams come true, on only one condition- you had to do it without your boyfriend

OR

Option B: you could just carry on as you are, not knowing whether it will get better, worse or stay the same, not knowing if you'll ever get to travel the world, not knowing if you'll ever be able to concentrate long enough to write a book let alone whether it would be published, and probably never have a healing clinic because you don't have the time or energy to set one up, but you could keep your boyfriend for as long as he wants to stay with you (and you don't even have any guarantee how long that will be)

then I wouldn't even have to think about it, it would be option B every time.

There were some ups and downs in the beginning, and I was afraid he wouldn't want me when he found out I was genuinely ill and that it might never get better, and we might even snap at each other first thing in the morning after a terrible nights sleep because I had tremors all night and was too proud to admit what was going on and how awful I find it, but it's all worthwhile when he reaches out to squeeze my hand, looks into my eyes and sees beyond my illness, beyond my crabbiness and beyond my lack of self belief that I get at times and tells me that he isn't going to let me go because I am one in 6 billion.

To have him, to have that, I'd take the tremors every night of my life, to wake up next to him, crabby and exhausted and drag my potsy self out of bed before him to let him rest a little longer while I prepare us strawberries for breakfast, sitting and chopping while he showers, and have him teasing me for being a 'fidget' and keeping him awake- because he loves me anyway and having that makes having POTS, awful though it can be, just a tiny blip in a life worthwhile. Because I've been loved and I have loved. And that's all I ever wanted. An experience I hadn't ever had late into my years- to have someone choose to love me, flaws and all.

:'(

This evening has just been rubbish. I became incredibly tired and almost fell asleep in the garden around 4pm, which would have been nice were it not for the stupid 'pots-jerks' I kept getting. WHO ELSE GETS THOSE??? They always happen when I am super-tired and trying to relax/sleep. My leg just kept leaping up off the ground and thumping the grass, and I also get them going up my torso and into my arms, so a leg with jump or hips will twitch, then an arm will fling up or out. It's SO annoying.

I was also in a 'mood' all day. I rang my bf last night for a chat as I thought that would be a nice thing to do, but he just went on and on about the state of the economy and how it's going to affect us all and it was all so negative. With my history of depression/anxiety AND POTS on top of that, I do everything I can to wrap myself in a protective bubble and not focus on 'bad stuff' so I got a bit arsey with him on the phone and told him I hadn't rung him up for a load of doom and gloom right before I went to bed so I could lay awake worrying all night.

He later admitted to me he's been feeling down. He'd seemed really happy at the weekend so I was really surprised. He's fed up with his financial situaiton/not having a job. He's trying to make this self employment thing he's doing work and it hasn't been working despite him trying for a year, but he won't quit because he keeps thinking he's just not learnt how to do it quite right and when he does, it will then work. I won't get into it but I wish he wasn't so focused on it because it involves studying the economy and that's putting him even more into this doom and gloom mentality that we're all in for trouble and strife.

So that phone call stayed with me because then I was worrying about all sorts. Like how money problems are a big reason for people splitting up, worrying we won't be able to travel together (which sounds like a really, I dunno, frivalous thing to worry about but it's been a lifelong dream of mine to go travelling with my partner and he'd like to see the world too, I don't want us to be held back by lack of money or my stupid POTS).

I was also down because I was really tired and potsy today, after such a great day yesterday. I know why- because I had to go into town twice yesterday due to forgetting (brain fog again) an essential item for proof of id that I needed. I felt so good yesterday I didn't think twice about 'pacing myself' and going there twice- and so now it's all hit me today. So that just compounded how glum I've been feeling- and exacerbated the worries- how will I cope with work? And if I can't work, and he's worried about money, well that will just be The End of us and our happy relationship because I'd just be a burden to him.

It's not like me to get this negative so I am hoping it's my hormones/time of month making everything seem worse. Even the sun hasn't boosted my mood today!

After I almost fell asleep in the garden, I was extra potsy when I got up, stubbed my little toe twice on a sharp stony corner so it ended up bleeding, then later on dropped a plug on the same toe, I feel fed up because my bf hasn't gotten in touch with me since this morning to say how he is or ask how I am, I feel tired out thanks to POTS and to top it all off, 2 further crappy things happened.

First one was an article in a free magazine that gets delivered. It was about a girl I went to school with. This girl hated me for some reason and actually, the feeling was mutual. She was a stuck up, arrogant, up herself snob. Well in this magazine it was all about these wonderful experiences she'd had travelling the world.

It just made me feel like someone might as well just tear my heart out right there. An 'arch rival' or whatever you want to do it, living the life of Riley while I am stuck here chugging my salted water and worrying I won't even get to work let alone the other side of the freakin' world.

Then, feeling very sorry for myself and sad I decided I'd do the one thing I knew would make me feel a little better: watch the baby birds in the nests that I've been watching on the Springwatch live webcams (it's a program over here that runs for 2 weeks only, every night). The cams were of flycatcher chicks, a blackbird chick, swallow chicks, avocet chicks, reed warbler chicks and kestrel chicks. They would pick 4 nests a day to show on a multiview screen, and you could enlarge any one of those if you wanted. I've been watching every day and night since I discovered the cams and have grown very fond of, and attached to, the little birds that are growing up in the nests.

Well. Just because it was the last televised show tonight, the cameras are now OFF!!! So, I can't even see my little birdies.

Okay so this entry is all pathetic 'oh woe is me' stuff and I am hardly EVER like this but when I do get like it, I do it in style so that's my post at how bloody crap I feel, let's just hope after a good night's sleep tomorrow feels better.

Brain Fog Disappointment post 2

Well I've decided even if they say they aren't willing to send me a replacement, as the camera is working, I will say well in that case, I'd like to send it back to you and upgrade as I bought the wrong one by mistake. They shouldn't object to that if they think the camera is in good working order.

I'm just upset about how much the brain fog can affect me. I'm wanting to train to be a teacher yet I can't even get something like ordering my own camera right!

Still, not going to let it put me off trying. It just makes me afraid when I can't function mentally- it makes even simple things SO hard! :'(

Times like these I HATE brain fog.

I've just realised... I've ordered the WRONG camera model!

I am SO frustrated and disappointed with myself!

The one I wanted is called Zs7 or Tz10. I remembered the '7' part and ended up ordering the Tz7 instead of the Tz10. I wanted the 10 specifically because it has more manual features so greater chance for creativity!!! I don't know if they will let me send it back to upgrade because I sent an email complaining that the camera was thrown over my 6ft 6 high gate requesting a replacement as it could have been damaged!! So now they might think I'm only doing that because it could have been damaged.

UGH!

I felt my heart sink when I realised the manual features I'd been so eagerly expecting weren't there. It's such a simple and easy mistake, anyone could make it, but it is still SO frustrating.

I suppose I'll just have to wait and see what Pixmania say about how it was delivered and if they're willing to send me a replacement I will ask then if I can send it back and upgrade. If not, then I'll probably just have to suck it up.

It takes AMAZING quality pictures though on auto mode. But I still wish for the extra features that I thought I was buying, and the next camera up would have those AND this awesome picture quality. I can't believe I've been so dumb. :(

10 Random Facts

Finally I've remembered and found the spoons to do this fun thing that was passed on to me from Michele, who writes one of my favourite blogs on dysautonomia- Dysautonomia Normal

I hope I can think of 10 facts that will be funny/interesting/entertaining...

1. I'm a hypnotherapist. Many people find that interesting and/or freaky, but it's really not freaky at all. It's quite simple and anyone could learn it (though not anyone could necessarily be good at it). I don't take control of anyone's mind. I just help them to use it in a way that brings them good feelings and solutions to problems. I've worked with people with depression, anxiety, weight problems, flying phobias, smokers who want to stop, people with lack of confidence, people with stress- and had mostly successes. It's been rewarding and interesting and although didn't earn me enough money to move into my own place, it's at least given me a way I can earn some spending money whilst I was trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and where all my energy went when I used to have it in what felt like unlimited supply!

2. I also do something called reiki. It was something I did for myself (so I could help myself feel better) but I have also used it on a few customers, though not anymore because a) you have to stand up for an hour and b)it hurts my wrists to hold them out over people's chakras. I can vouch for it being very real and vert wonderful though- I've received treatments from others (which is what made me want to do it) and I give myself treatments too- NOTHING is better than when you get an awful period pain cramp than just holding your own hands over it and feeling really warm energy flowing in and soothing that pain. It's just like having your own portable hot water bottles!

3. I love bees. When a bee buzzes near me in the garden I get this feeling (vibe) that the bee is a happy creature, I know this sounds weird but I do pick up 'feelings' from things sometimes and the feeling I always get from bees is that they are happy creatures that enjoy being busy and having a very concrete purpose. I also get a very giggly, happy feeling but that could be just because I think they are such lovely creatures- I'm talking mainly about our bumble bees, black and white stripey with fat, fuzzy bums. hehehe.

4. I can identify the bird songs of pretty much every British bird, so when I go for a walk in the countryside, I don't just hear 'birds singing' I will be able to hear a chaffinch over there, a blackbird there, a Song thrush there, a robin there... you get the idea. I can't even imagine what it's like to just hear song and not know what it is that is singing because it's such a natural part of my life and has been since I was growing up as a child who loved birdwatching. If ever I hear a birdsong I don't recognise (or have forgotten- my memory isn't as sharp as when I was a child and there are some I will sometimes hear that I think- darn it, I USED to know what that was but can't remember!!) I will get very keen on trying to find the bird making the sound so I can identify it by sight (I know most without looking in a bird book too). I certainly CANNOT imagine people seeing 'a bird' and not knowing what species it is!

5. I'd like to write a book one day. In fact no, I HAVE written a book, I'd like to get one published. Whether I actually will or not though, I don't know. My levels of fatigue and brain fog have sadly exhausted my writing talent (I feel) and I can't even think of what sort of book I'd write now.

6. I'm running out of 'interesting' facts now... must wrack brains!

Oh. This one is interesting, although I remember a bad experience at school when we were doing the topic "All about me" and I stood up and told this story to the whole class and they laughed at me and didn't believe it.

Remember when the space shuttle (I think it was Discovery?) blew up on take off, in 1986? I was only 4 then and I foresaw it happening. I used to watch Button Moon as a child and I must have had a dream about the explosion, and then that next day (the day the shuttle really exploded) I was at my Grandma's house and asked her to play the episode of Button Moon where the rocket explodes. She said she didn't think there was such an episode and I was very adamant that there MUST be because I had SEEN it! She told my Mum about it when my Mum came to pick me up and they both kept telling me the episode did not exist but I was so certain I'd seen it. Well, on the news later that night when it showed the shuttle blowing up, apparently I said to my Mum "There, I TOLD you I'd seen it and you wouldn't believe me, I KNEW I was right!"

How weird is that?! My Grandma then ended up ringing my Mum.
I only have a very vague memory of this now, but I remember seeing the explosion and not being surprised or shocked because I HAD seen it happen already, but I doubt I knew what was really going on. In my little child's mind the TV was just entertainment. It wasn't the last time I had pre-cognitive dreams though, but it was the first time it was over something as public and memorable as that event.

7. I used to have horrible nightmares about the end of the world, a big meteor hitting earth and me getting burried alive and telling myself (whilst burried) it'll be okay, someone will dig me out- then having this awful thought that NO ONE is going to come and dig me out because EVERYONE will be burried or dead! It was a hideous dream!

8. Oh, I'm on a role now about freaky dreams and things! lol. When I was little I used to have a dream about a severed hairy hand that would come and pat me on the back- it sounds funny but it was REALLY scary. Well one night when I was 17 it was really strange because I had that dream again- I dreamt "Handpatter" (as I called him) came to my window and tried to get into my room. What was freaky about me dreaming about it again after all those years was that my Mum asked me what I was doing at 4am banging my window shut? My window hadn't been open- so I must have been 'acting out' my dream somehow and trying to 'shoo away' handpatter and then shutting the window hard!! Weird!

9. I've had general anaesthetic twice and I always go really loopy from the morphine- I suppose everyone does- it makes me happy happy! lol. I remember awakening from my laparascopic surgery and thanking everyone for being so good to me, shaking their hands and thinking that I was fine and asking was it really necessary to keep wearing the oxygen mask? (I was told yes). The first time I'd had anasethesia was when I had my tonsils removed at 15, the second time I was reminded of how morphine weirdly makes your nose really itchy! It's such a bizarre (but not unpleasant) feeling.

10. I seem to suffer terribly from sunlight deprivation. If the weather is cloudy for a prolonged period I get really down in the dumps and even more tired. I remember one day in the Winter last year, when I was suffering a POTS crash and had been feeling like I was well into my 'energy overdraught' and then one day, it had snowed and the sky was bright and blue, and with the bright sunlight plus the bright white snow reflecting the sunlight, the luminosity (amount of light perceived by the eye) must have been soooo high, and I suddenly felt as if I had lots of energy that day and felt great! It makes me very sad that it's not sunny often in this country anymore- we seem to now get a lot of dull, overcast weather in the summer too, and a lot of foggy, dreary weather in the winter. I think its the effect of global warming changing the climate :( I wouldn't like to move away from England because I wouldn't want to move away from my family, friends and culture, but I often wish I'd been born somewhere that gets more sun as I'd probably FEEL a lot better.

So, that's my facts for the sugar doll award- and now I am to pass it on. So, I'd like to pass it on to Candice who writes Infectiously Optimistic: a wonderful blog about living with Late Stage Lyme disease (and dysautonomia as a result of that!) and to Ash, another fellow POTSy blogger! Ash's POTS Blog

Change of mind...

I decided to try my medication as prescribed by the doctor. I had a good couple of weeks (great in fact, my resting tachycardia was GONE!) but all symptoms came back. It felt horrible to feel my heart pounding away again and I thought to myself, that poor muscle needs a BREAK! So, although admittedly taking medications scares me... I'm looking at taking them as a temporary measure to give my heart a break whilst I try and get stronger and better in the meantime. If it turns out I have to keep taking them, then I will so long as they IMPROVE my quality of life.

I changed my mind when my college tutor pointed out to me (because we can have honest and frank discussions about how I am feeling- she's had health problems so she understands and really listens) that having my heart overworking all the time can't be good for me, and even though Drs all say that there's no evidence of that shortening your life, when have I ever believed doctors and why take the risk?

It's hard though because part of me does feel like I am taking poison. But perhaps that's just as I've got myself into a negative mind set about pills. I wouldn't be without my overactive bladder medication for the quality of life it's given back to me compared to how my bladder was before it. I think I just worry more about taking medications for the HEART because it's like the most vital organ that we have! But then, equally I could see these medicines not as poison but as things that are aiming at the least (and hopefully one will succeed!) in PROTECTING that organ and helping it out with all this hard work its having to do due to the autonomic imbalance!

If the medicine doesn't help or improve my quality of life then I won't take it, it's that simple. But I'm going to at least give it a TRY.

So, medication number 2- diltiazem calcium channel blocker- let the trial commence.

Brain Fog Escapades.

(Wow, I remembered to do this! Often my brain fog is such that I would say I'm going to do a post next and then forget to).

Ever since I did "The Workout" (250 steps, running on the spot, crunches, dancing and tidying) I have been in a very foggy mental zone. I haven't told my boyfriend the words 'brain fog' but I have made him aware of it by referring to my 'short term memory' not being good (wheras his is), and we've gotten into joking about it- because my long term memory is great (whereas his, not so)! So I remind him of things like conversations we had when we first met and we have fun reminiscing, he reminds me to remember the things that I need to take home, or reminds me that my trainers are in HIS car when I'm going crackers checking my car, his hallway and his cupboards wondering how they can have 'vanished' LOL.

So, this past week I had a couple of particularly 'bad' escapades.

1. On the day out with my Mum, when I'd had to leave the house before 10am and was feeling very loopy, she asked me to go and buy the ticket for our parking. I went over to the nearest one, stood reading it and it might as well have been written in Swahili for all the sense I could make of it thanks to BF. It said 'blue badge holders pay here' and there was even a big labelled part saying 'blue badge holders only' that I somehow didn't see or register. So in my state of not knowing what to do and not knowing why I couldn't pay unless I had a blue badge, I reasoned (BF reasoning never tends to work out well) that if I payed the money and it still gave me a ticket, then it would be okay- because I don't have a blue badge so if it accepts my money when I don't have the badge, it must mean I can pay too!!

(I HATE how BF causes you to become like the dumbest person ever!!!)

So I got my ticket and then when I read THAT realised it had given me a ticket for blue badge permit holders ONLY (well DUH!) and that I'd have to get ANOTHER ticket. Then I saw that there were booths all over, for different parking permits- blue badge, short stay and long stay. Oh man! Luckily I'd gone right back to the car to tell my Mum and she sorted it out (after storming about and yelling at me) because I'd have probably gone and bought a short stay ticket after that, I was so befuddled.

2. On Friday night, the toilets in the 2 bars we went to were both upstairs. UGH hate that about bloody bars where I go!! I'd use the disabled toilet except you need a special key of some kind and I don't know how you get one, and I'd feel bad if anyone questioned me because I can dance all night but walking upstairs sends me into a loopy-meltdown!
So anyways, walked upstairs, saw the signs on the toilets for male and female, made a split second decision as to which one was the ladies and waltzed in to a man peeing in a urinal. Had a moments hesitation of confusion thinking that the MAN had gone wrong and was using the wrong loo til I realised LADIES DON'T HAVE URINALS whereupon I spun on my heels and practically ran out.

Perhaps I've had POTS for longer than 2001 though, as I've always had a tendancy to do dozy 'forgetful' things- such as the time when I was at the local cricket pavillion with my younger cousin- who always used to use the 'players and officials only' entrance as a short cut. So I had gotten into the habit of using that way and walked in to phone my friend. Was very confused as the 'corridor' was very steamy and there was the sound of fast running water, a lot of heat and soap suds running out from closed curtains... I realised then why the entrance was for players and officials only- there were SHOWERS all along that corridor! So I ran through to the other end as I was about halfway by then anyway, then rang my friend to ask her if she could come over and meet me there.
Now, you'd think that I'd REMEMBER WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED wouldn't you, given that it was so out of the ordinary? But no, after having been distracted by the phone conversation I'd COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN and so I walked back to the players and officials only exit, opened the door- and saw A NAKED MAN SOAPING HIS BUM!!! AAARGHHH! I turned and ran away. When I got outside, my Mum asked me if I was okay as I 'looked a bit red'.

So, beware of the BF ladies and gents alike, you just don't know what kind of escapades you could get yourself into! So far I'm a pseudo disabled pervert with penis envy who leaves her bikini in the spin dryer at the gym.

At least I will be well practiced by the time I'm an OAP. By then, I'll probably be sneaking into shower rooms on purpose and blaming my 'dementia' for the delight of seeing a man soaping up his backside. Yes, I intend to use the "BF" fully to my advantage in the future, and I suggest you do too. Just think of the possibilities! :)