Clearer Mind = Change of heart...

Okay, so I said I wanted to apply for the graduate teacher program.

I emailed and asked for a form. Haven't had a reply.

My Mum is a teacher, one of her best friends who I have a lot of contact with is, my Dad is a teacher, one of my best friends is.

They are all nearly always very stressed and tired from the job.

I had big fears and doubts as to my ability to do it but I kept quashing them because I love children so much.

But you know what, I'm not really sure my heart is 100% in it. It would be if education hadn't changed so much, but these days (I know from my Mum) it's all about targets and statistics and staff getting bossed about to meet these targets/statistics so much that the enjoyment of actually being with the children is spoiled by the stress of the paperwork.

The level of fatigue I feel just doing my easy part time work from home is still very high. I don't want to do something that's going to make me more ill.

I think maybe I have to accept that I'm not cut out for it. I suffer with sore throats frequently so can't talk loud or raise my voice. I get overwhelmed/overstimulated easily so how I'd cope in a busy classroom environment with those two problems is beyond me, not to mention the fact that since I became ill, I don't want responsibility or stress...

I think if I tried to do teaching just because I love children and ignored all those other factors, I could be setting myself up to fail, setting myself up to be ill.

Also, I want to have a life outside of my job. I believe if I were to be a teacher, I'd come home exhausted, and the weekend walks would be gone.

Plus, I still get terribly brain foggy and that, above all the physical limitations, scares me silly because I could not be responsible for teaching children when a lot of the time I can't function for myself thanks to that.

So, I am coming to the conclusion that applying for the GTP is probably not for me.

There are other ways I can indulge in my love for helping children. I could do some voluntary work, such as be a helper at Rainbows or Brownies.

As for a job, well this is where I get stuck. I just don't know what to do. I'm THINKING that I'll get a simple admin job where I'd be sitting all day in an office. I'm almost loathe to say that because I could never see myself doing that, I wanted a job that would challenge and interest me BUT... my priorities are changing because of POTS and even though that does suck, I'm just thankful I have the option of working at all.

I figured if I had some kind of admin job, I could leave work at work and still have a life. Enjoy my weekends, go on holidays, not just be worn out all the time. I could also keep my finger in my holistic therapy pie. That's where my true passions lie. I love doing my hypnotherapy and would like to keep it up. When I move to the new area with my bf next year, it'll be an opportunity to get new clients and contacts. I might go to work in a clinic one day a week or something and see if I can build up a good reputation. I'd like to do the distance learning course in herbalism so I can also add that to it. There's so many courses in holistic therapy like naturopathy and chinese medicine that I'd be interested in taking to keep expanding my practice. I love the one-to-oneness of working in this way, helping people improve their lives. If I was a teacher, I wouldn't have the time or energy for it.

So, my new plan is to find a job somewhere, perhaps in a university or a hospital, doing admin or research or something (I'm vague because I've never had a job like this so don't really know what's out there or what it entails!) to get a regular decent wage coming in... and see if I can take one day per week off to work in a clinic doing my hypnotherapy/herbalism. And also do hypnotherapy from home too.

I think, even though I'd miss children, I'd be happier and HEALTHIER doing that. I've seen how terribly stressed and tired my Mum gets and she doesn't even have any health problems. I couldn't deal with it. It would make me ill. I don't think even my THROAT could take it. As soon as I'm a little run down from maybe one bad night, it hurts, gets dry and sore... I don't have a 'teachers voice' in me!

The strange thing is, since thinking this to myself, I feel... kind of peaceful. A little bit sad, but more at peace- it feels more right. I'm also scared because I don't know what kind of job I want or how to get it or if I can... but I'll just keep looking- I'm not wanting to start anything til after I've been to Peru ideally. Unless I saw something that sounded just right. I can just keep looking for ideas.

And, while I'm not doing anything these next few months, I can send off for the herbalism course and do that! It's exciting and interesting and who knows, I might be able to do some work as a herbalist at the end of it. There's a therapy clinic near my bfs (and what's also going to be my) new home. I'd just have to rent a room out. Maybe could just have one afternoon off work or something.

I just see possibilities in keeping that going. I enjoy helping people with therapy and I'm really good at it. I think I could end up crashing and burning as a teacher because it would be so demanding for me.

Maybe it's getting some of my health and energy back thanks to florinef that's helped me think more rationally and realise how precious that is and how I don't want to waste it doing something that I'm not really capable of. It's a hard thing to say to myself, to admit to myself, but I think it's healthy to recognise my limitations and not try to push the boundaries all the time just because I see my health as "holding me back". Maybe it isn't holding me back, but forcing me to look in a different direction, towards new possibilities I'd never have considered without it making me do so. And that doesn't mean those possibilities are worse, or lesser.

So, I reckon I'm going to send off for the herbalism course and get on with doing that, and in the meantime keep a lookout for some kind of job- I'm looking a lot on the local university pages as they have some that look as though they could be interesting. Fingers crossed I can find something I'll enjoy- it's a whole new world to me so I have no idea what to really look for or expect! I think with the teaching I was thinking 'better the devil you know' but the more I've thought about it, and listened to my fear not as though it's an enemy but this time maybe a sensible thing, I've come to the conclusion that it could indeed have been 'the devil' for me and just ruined any gains in my health that I've made these past few years since getting ill at uni. Which is not something I want to do to myself.

So, I'll continue to be a "holistic therapist" and keep adding to my repertoire. And I'll look for something else I can also do that's simple and pays for the bills. Then I can still have energy to enjoy fun times with friends and weekend walks with my boyfriend. Basically, have a nice, simple life that's as stress free and kind to my health as possible.