:'(

This evening has just been rubbish. I became incredibly tired and almost fell asleep in the garden around 4pm, which would have been nice were it not for the stupid 'pots-jerks' I kept getting. WHO ELSE GETS THOSE??? They always happen when I am super-tired and trying to relax/sleep. My leg just kept leaping up off the ground and thumping the grass, and I also get them going up my torso and into my arms, so a leg with jump or hips will twitch, then an arm will fling up or out. It's SO annoying.

I was also in a 'mood' all day. I rang my bf last night for a chat as I thought that would be a nice thing to do, but he just went on and on about the state of the economy and how it's going to affect us all and it was all so negative. With my history of depression/anxiety AND POTS on top of that, I do everything I can to wrap myself in a protective bubble and not focus on 'bad stuff' so I got a bit arsey with him on the phone and told him I hadn't rung him up for a load of doom and gloom right before I went to bed so I could lay awake worrying all night.

He later admitted to me he's been feeling down. He'd seemed really happy at the weekend so I was really surprised. He's fed up with his financial situaiton/not having a job. He's trying to make this self employment thing he's doing work and it hasn't been working despite him trying for a year, but he won't quit because he keeps thinking he's just not learnt how to do it quite right and when he does, it will then work. I won't get into it but I wish he wasn't so focused on it because it involves studying the economy and that's putting him even more into this doom and gloom mentality that we're all in for trouble and strife.

So that phone call stayed with me because then I was worrying about all sorts. Like how money problems are a big reason for people splitting up, worrying we won't be able to travel together (which sounds like a really, I dunno, frivalous thing to worry about but it's been a lifelong dream of mine to go travelling with my partner and he'd like to see the world too, I don't want us to be held back by lack of money or my stupid POTS).

I was also down because I was really tired and potsy today, after such a great day yesterday. I know why- because I had to go into town twice yesterday due to forgetting (brain fog again) an essential item for proof of id that I needed. I felt so good yesterday I didn't think twice about 'pacing myself' and going there twice- and so now it's all hit me today. So that just compounded how glum I've been feeling- and exacerbated the worries- how will I cope with work? And if I can't work, and he's worried about money, well that will just be The End of us and our happy relationship because I'd just be a burden to him.

It's not like me to get this negative so I am hoping it's my hormones/time of month making everything seem worse. Even the sun hasn't boosted my mood today!

After I almost fell asleep in the garden, I was extra potsy when I got up, stubbed my little toe twice on a sharp stony corner so it ended up bleeding, then later on dropped a plug on the same toe, I feel fed up because my bf hasn't gotten in touch with me since this morning to say how he is or ask how I am, I feel tired out thanks to POTS and to top it all off, 2 further crappy things happened.

First one was an article in a free magazine that gets delivered. It was about a girl I went to school with. This girl hated me for some reason and actually, the feeling was mutual. She was a stuck up, arrogant, up herself snob. Well in this magazine it was all about these wonderful experiences she'd had travelling the world.

It just made me feel like someone might as well just tear my heart out right there. An 'arch rival' or whatever you want to do it, living the life of Riley while I am stuck here chugging my salted water and worrying I won't even get to work let alone the other side of the freakin' world.

Then, feeling very sorry for myself and sad I decided I'd do the one thing I knew would make me feel a little better: watch the baby birds in the nests that I've been watching on the Springwatch live webcams (it's a program over here that runs for 2 weeks only, every night). The cams were of flycatcher chicks, a blackbird chick, swallow chicks, avocet chicks, reed warbler chicks and kestrel chicks. They would pick 4 nests a day to show on a multiview screen, and you could enlarge any one of those if you wanted. I've been watching every day and night since I discovered the cams and have grown very fond of, and attached to, the little birds that are growing up in the nests.

Well. Just because it was the last televised show tonight, the cameras are now OFF!!! So, I can't even see my little birdies.

Okay so this entry is all pathetic 'oh woe is me' stuff and I am hardly EVER like this but when I do get like it, I do it in style so that's my post at how bloody crap I feel, let's just hope after a good night's sleep tomorrow feels better.