POTS demons.

It’s funny (not as in haha, how hilarious, but as in interesting) how even the smallest of disagreements has underlying demons lurking underneath- striking out, making us act in seemingly irrational ways.

During a phone conversation earlier, boyfriend told me he’d thrown away my bread that had been in the freezer. I “overreacted”- saying oh boooo, that bread is expensive, I wanted to take it out of the freezer on moving day and make sandwiches! Booo hoo hoooo!
He then “overreacted” back, getting very irate and saying a lot more words to get HIS point across than I used (I’m more succinct in the verbal word so it seems- not in the written). Words like how he is having to do this all alone and it’s very stressful and he didn’t want the bread there because he couldn’t be bothered with it (ouch- out claws another demon of mine) and that the bread was stressing him out and he’s doing this on his own because I can’t help etc etc ad nauseum.

I went all dizzy and weak (sometimes that happens when I’m tired/when something triggers off some unwanted emotion- it’s like my body just shuts down and goes ERROR:00513- CAN’T HANDLE- MUST SHUT DOWN and just let him go on and on saying ‘okay’ and ‘mmm hmmm’ in a little, weak voice. Strangely though, this is a better way of dealing with things (it doesn’t happen by choice, it just happens and I wish I could do it more often because it’s better than the alternative, which I am about to describe) than getting irate and ranting back. Because once he’d run out of steam, he wanted to smooth things over. I didn’t have any steam to get worked up or argue my point back, so what could have blown up into a really stupid disagreement (those demons like to pour kerosene on the fire of disagreements!) about something seemingly insignificant, didn’t.

Afterwards though, I was thinking about things, and my demons were still clawing at me. First, the demons of being hurt that boyfriend didn’t ASK me if I WANTED the bread but just CHUCKED IT OUT with BRUTAL DISREGARD for my FEELINGS (yes I’m using hyperbole here but there’s a grain of truth in this- why didn’t he just ask? Do my things mean so little? Why did he have such a vendetta against my bread that it had to be gone RIGHT NOW because it was so ‘stressing him out’? What about my sandwiches on moving day? My little imaginary picnic? No no no, what about ME? My feelings?) See what I mean about the demons?

Then there were the POTSdemons. (There are a great many of those- they are all the things that pretty much every human being feels to some degree that POTS likes to exacerbate- I.e. pour kerosene on!). I’d been ‘helping’ boyfriend by staying out of the way while he’s been packing. Just minding my own business, getting on with my own things, ‘leaving him to it’. I was doing this merrily and obliviously, thanking that I’d read ‘men are from mars…’ and other such books that tell us ladies that ‘men like to be in control’ and ‘don’t offer help unless they ask for it, or they’ll feel emasculated’ etc etc. I thought I was helping boyfriend feel awesomely masculine and like the solver of all packing related traumas and problems by not being there.

But when I recognised the demons under what he was saying on the phone, I realised he’s been seeing my ‘support’ as the total opposite- CRAPPYGIRLFRIENDNEGLECT,zomg!!!! So then my demons of horror, guilt and shame started throwing a party. For the biggest of the POTSdemons- a surprise to celebrate no longer being suppressed- a coming into consciousness party for- FEELING USELESSNESS.

Yes that’s right boys and girls, demons and fairies- thanks to POTS I feel USELESS! I can’t lift boxes. I can’t go up and downstairs many times fetching and carrying things. I had a bad, potsy week last week so didn’t have the energy to drive over and offer support in person. And because deep down I FELT USELESS anyway, I didn’t even think that I would be welcome ‘in person’. That, like boyfriend said ‘just having you sitting there as emotional support while I packed would be nice’ (oh guilt, do stop kicking my stomach!). When I envisaged such a thing momentarily weeks earlier, I could just see me as this awkward, ungainly, clumsy thing getting in the way, feeling useless and thus being even more clumsy than useful*, and boyfriend getting mad at me (sometimes I forget-okay, often I forget- that he’s not at all like my Dad) and me feeling even more useless and like a blob of humanoid jelly just bibbling around doing nothing useful but just being all blibby, bibbly and blobby.

*Here is a prime example of the uselessness demon clawing out- that there is an absolutely unintentional Freudian slip! I meant to type USUAL!!

I thought I was doing the much better thing keeping out of the way and making boyfriend feel like superman solving all the problems, doing all the leg-work, packing up all the boxes, standing back looking pleased and proud and telling everyone “I did this all by myself.” (Cue cheer and slaps on the back).

But no, it was more like “I’m doing this all alone, it’s stressful.”

So, I’ve obviously been completely delusional thanks to my POTSdemons and a simple little 2 minute diatribe about frozen bread getting chucked out without guilt or remorse led to the epiphany on my behalf that I FEEL USELESS and boyfriend feels ALONE AND STRESSED!

Oh no, oh woe, poor us!!!

So, cue overly long, rambly and emotional apologetic text, full of drama and angst, the demon underneath it all whimpering in the corner just crying out for forgiveness. (I’ve been sick today with stomach flu and hardly got sleep last night thanks to the pain- and I get overly emotional and dramatic when tired).

Boyfriend’s text back was ‘don’t worry, get well soon.’ (plus smile and kiss).

It makes it all quite comical, when you quash the demons and true love conquers all.

I do still feel useless though… I think that is one demon that I’ve got a lot of battling to do with… it’s a POTS thing fo’sure, it’s soooo hard to feel useful when half the time you can’t even get your own body to do simple things that you want it to do for yourself, let alone to ‘help’ anyone else. And then you feel like you’re blaming POTS for everything and people will think you’re this big, stupid, bimbling, wimpy hypochondriac lazy loser person who always says (insert appropriate whiney tone) “I can’t.” But that’s a whole other post/series of posts/lifetime of posts.