It's like everything has blown up suddenly. Perhaps it's my fault for trying to 'be a trooper' and hiding how bad I really feel, but now it's all come to a head. I can't take it anymore. What am I talking about? How my boyfriend just doesn't seem to understand.
He keeps going on about wanting us to do longer walks together. When here I am, pushing myself through 5 miles walks, feeling thankful that I can walk at all, and feeling like death warmed up half the time. (But- pushing myself to an extent does help or I wouldn't do it- I do it for me, not anyone else).
I actually got upset and had a mini emotional breakdown on the last walk we did, because he was going on and on about how he hoped I'd 'get it fixed' and it just sounded like he wouldn't want me around if it turned out that it couldn't be 'fixed'. He was really sorry then and when I admitted to carrying this fear around he assured me he would still want me and he sounded 100% sincere. He then went on to explain that the reason he keeps going on about these walks and things is because he wants to spend his time with me because I'm 'different than the others' and special to him.
Well, that's all very well but I wish he could understand more how it makes me feel- I feel like I'm being a disappointment to him because I can't do those things HE wants. And what about what *I* want?
First I was upset, then I was okay and thought things might improve after I opened up a bit more- but then on the phone last night he brought it up AGAIN- the desire to do longer walks.
I don't think he realises how debilitating this can be. I'm so frustrated that I can't seem to get it through to him, although admittedly I've not entirely tried. So there comes the email.
I sent him a long, detailed email with all my feelings, fears, hopes and details of how this condition makes me feel physically and emotionally.
If he still keeps nagging me after that, I'm going to get very cranky with him. And that's just one more negative feeling that I DON'T need right now.
NB/ when we met, I didn't know I had tachycardia and I pushed myself through an 11 mile walk, and I believe it's that, among other things like social events I pushed myself through, that made me have such a crash in November/December (that I am still not fully recovered from). But because I was fitter when we met, he can't understand now why I am saying no, I can't do that. (because I did it before).
I guess I just need to give him time to understand it and I can't expect him to grasp it right away, especially not when I've been mostly hiding how weak and tired it makes me feel.
Perhaps brutal honesty IS the way forward...
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This is such a tough one. My husband is good for the most part but every now and then he'll say something like "I should have known better than to plan something" and I want to hit him. I know he's frustrated but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I think it's hard for others to fully understand what we go through, not necessarily the physical but that internal dialogue where we judge ourselves, hate that we can't do what we want and fear others will just give up on us. I don't know if I have any answers for you other than to be honest and up front which you have been with your email. I know I have always tried to put up the tough front and that just doesn't work now with my current state. Hiding how bad I feel and how much I'm struggling makes others think I am much better than I am and I think it makes it more confusing for them when I then turn around and say I can't do stuff. I'm still working on that one though LOL. Hang in there I hope he 'gets it' for you.
ReplyDeleteMichelle :)
i think the way forward is to be honest, otherwise you are going to run yourself into the ground. i wish, that i had done less before i became so unwell. i continued, i too loved long walks especially in the countryside. i put my mind to things and carried on regardless.
ReplyDeletebe kind to yourself, if you feel ill, rest. and be persistant with doctors, ( which im sure ive written before!) x