I can't believe I'm even contemplating this...

Okay so one of my biggest regrets in life is having been too ill back when I was 19 to get the sort of degree that would have led to a good job. Back then, I didn't even know what I wanted to do!

Recently I've been nurturing a desire to work with children, but I'd been considering a role such as TA. However, there isn't much chance for career progression with that, and being an optimistic person, I like to think that as I get a better handle on my health issues, I could progress up the career ladder. I don't want to be a teacher (though I could have been as I did get accepted a couple of years ago to do a PGCE- a years qualification for those who have a degree [mine is in rather a stupid, useless field]) but I would like to have some responsibilities and challenge. Maybe I am crazy, but I have let my health and my fears hold me back for so long... I'm starting to sense a rebellion coming- my inner spirit fighting back!

I saw on a job description of learning mentor a degree in learning, development and support that sounds interesting. I think being a learning mentor would be a great role for me. It's all about supporting children with learning needs OR about working with gifted and talented to push them... basically it's doing what I love, working with young children to help them. That's what attracted me to TA work but the problem with that, at least here in England, is they get a lot of menial tasks to do and if I got a mean teacher I could end up as the teachers dogsbody and not doing much of the stuff I love- the actual interacting, guiding and supporting the children.

Plus as a learning mentor you can progress with experience and even become a manager of other mentors. It just sounds exciting and as if it has more scope for opportunities. Okay so I may never want to be a manager but the fact that I could be if I wanted to be is enticing.

I wouldn't even need to do the degree to become a learning mentor, but the degree sounds attractive because it's one Saturday a month. 3 years (scary...) and done within work, so the tasks you get you are to do whilst you're working as a TA or LM already. So a big part of me right now- the ambitious, conscientious part that all but died when I was most ill, is crying out for the challenge.

And I might just heed its call.

Even though it's scary.
Even though it might take a chunk out of my savings.
Even though it will mean working hard for the next 3 years and pushing myself to the limit.

Because if I get that qualification, at least I am doing myself justice. I'm NOT too sick now to do it, I've just been too scared and too unsure of what I want. But now I'm having ideas again... this could well be the turning point.

I know it won't be easy. I'm not fully decided if I want to do it, I need to weigh things up carefully. But that part of me that regrets how much I wasted by not knowing what I wanted to do, by holding back because I was afraid... that part of me is wanting a challenge. It's just whether the rest of me is really up for it, or maybe it's just pie in the sky... I don't know.

I've emailed them anyway and asked if there's places available. I've talked it over with my Grandma, will do so also with my Mum.

I always felt like I hadn't done enough for myself academically, like I'd let myself down. Even though it's later on in my life, it's never 'too late'. My boyfriend has just gotten a degree at the age of 38! I'd be getting mine at 30 or 31 (depending if they have places available this year, or if I have to wait until next).

I feel like maybe I owe it to myself. I just hope if I do, I'm not taking on too much... BUT if it interests me and will help me in the career I've finally chosen... maybe I CAN rise to the challenge...