Who

I've had a nicely calm and strangely contented day today, a day during which I've felt very tired but accepting of it.

I had yesterday what was for me a busy day, and as I still haven't recovered from the 5 mile walk on Sunday (which I enjoyed immensly), I think that's why I am so tired today. I had 3 clients and a trip to the Doctors. My GP was wonderful though, put me at ease, commended me for seeking a second opinion and praised me for being so proactive about my health. I'm now waiting for an appointment with Julia Newton in Newcastle, to be properly tested for POTS.

I'm enjoying the results I'm getting with clients at the moment. I love my job and it fits in well with days like this when I have little energy. I'm a hypnotherapist so I relax people and help them better their lives. They come to me and I sit in my chair in the warm conservatory with the birds flitting about the garden, relaxing them* and giving them words of encouragement and self improvement.
*My clients that is, not the birds.

I had an odd moment today though. I've got this one client who I have a real laugh with, yet I am also jealous of her because, I guess in a way she seems like "the Laura I could have been". She goes running and does all this active stuff like what I used to do. Even though I'm grateful for what I can do, I still miss the things I can't. So I had this odd moment when she was telling me a story about Gok Wan making over this blind lady and the lady saying how is was a "pissing shame" she hadn't met him 10 years ago. I don't know why as she was saying this I got this feeling, but I felt quite tearful- and not because I was inspired by good old Gok or even by my own skill to make other people feel better, but because I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

It comes and goes at the strangest most random times. I feel it more lately because I have a very fit and active boyfriend and friends. I often feel like an alien amongst them, some small strange floundering thing trying to keep up with the normal pace of life. Then feeling sad when I am reminded in a variety of different ways that I can't.

I have such paradoxical feelings though because even as I am sad about what I don't have and can't do, I'm very thankful for what I do have and can do, and I also have a very strong mind that's determined not to dwell too long on the negative, even if I am aware of it. The fact that I can and do help other people live more fulfilling lives has always been very rewarding and uplifting, but at the moment feels bittersweet. I do for them what I can't do for myself because now it's not my mind but my body that's betrayed me.

I find comfort in the words of Milton Erickson, who said (this isn't verbatim) that it's important to always have something to look forward to, no matter how small that might seem to others.

I always look forward to seeing my boyfriend at the weekend, no matter how tired and/or ill I've been in the week.
I look forward to Big Nights Out because I feel free and happy and can forget.
I ALWAYS look forward to Spring and Summer. To the return of the House Martins and their cheerful twitters in the bright blue sky. To laying on the warm grass, watching white fluffly clouds. Sunshine. Birdsong. Flowers.

It's strange. Finally finding out there is something physical going wrong with me as I'd always thought has made me feel relieved and pleased to have some answers, to know there are REASONS for why I've felt the way I do, but it's also made me feel sad and trapped because I can't be sure if I'll ever be free of it. People who mean well say things like "When you get it sorted" like I'm just some broken down old car that's failed its MOT but with a few new parts and some fuel I'll be good as new. My mental reaction to that is, what if I never am? Will you still want to cruise around the countryside with me then, or will you be wanting to upgrade me for a new, more reliable model?

There's a lot I am coming to terms with. I don't really know what's more scary, being afraid of the unknown or being afraid of what you now know.

The thing is, I feel strong enough to handle this if my friends and loved ones stick by me. But I'm afraid that they may not. Who wants a rusty old clanger of a car when they could have a brand new, top of the range model? Stupid analogy but still, it's a big fear that I have, because I'm new to all this and THEY are new to all this. What if they don't stick around? Then I'll be alone again AND ill.

It's hard not to think What If but I know I shouldn't. I need to cultivate living in the moment. Don't concern myself or waste my energy worrying about scary future scenarios that may not ever happen. So why am I doing that so much lately?

Obviously, under my 'calm and contented' sleepyness, there lies a whole turmoil of confused emotion. Fear, loss, uncertainty, hope...

Yet still, I feel strangely calm...

It's weird. So much has changed in my life. Who am I now? Who am I going to be?