Maybe I'm crazy, but...

I keep looking out for learning mentor jobs, but there haven't been ANY. So rare.

Teaching assistant jobs are not very well paid and the government might be axing them altogther, depending on who comes into power, so I don't really want to get into that.

I'm seriously considering doing my post grad certificate in education, which would allow me to be a teacher. I nearly did this in 2008 but chickened out. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to 'hack it' with my very low stress threshold.

However, now I'm diagnosed and being medicated, I'm a bit more hopeful that I can cope better with things. And what has always really made my heart sink is the feeling that I've been under-achieving due to this illness. Maybe if I actually gave it a go, I could do it. Sure, it might be hard, but so was getting my degree when I was undiagnosed and an emotional wreck having panic attacks and verging on agoraphobia because I didn't know what was wrong with me. If I can do THAT, I could do this, I know I could. It's just whether or not I want to choose to put myself through yet MORE hard work.

I'd like to try and be a teacher. I wish I could try it BEFORE doing the course, LOL. But I can't. I have to do the course first, and it's doing the course itself that scares more more than doing the actual job, because pots has made academic stuff so much more of a struggle for me, when it used to come so naturally.

But if I don't give it a try, I might end up regretting my under-achievement due to being afraid to try. If I tried and failed, then at least I tried. But if I don't try, how can I give myself the chance to succeed?

The course for September is full anyway, so I would have to wait until September 2011 before I could even start! So, that gives me a while to consider it (I'd have to apply this summer), and plenty of time to get my meds for the pots sorted out and working! During that time I might get a job as a TA so I can at least get used to working full time and save some money, and then I'll have time to see how I cope with that and that should give an indication of whether I'd be able to cope with the extra responsibilities of being a teacher.

One reason I didn't go for it in 2008 was because I didn't want to give up my hypnotherapy. But I think if I worked full time in any job I'd most likely have to give that up, as I'd need time for myself and wouldn't want to completely drain all my energy! Paradoxically, if I were to qualify as a teacher, I could earn more being a part time teacher than a full time teachers assistant, so there is the opportunity for me to do both teaching and hypnotherapy together, which I like the idea of- even if I couldn't do that right away and had to get full time experience in a teaching role for a while, the fact it's an option is appealing.

To think of this, I feel excited and quite motivated. The thought of all the work is scary, because I'm already tired of academic work, but I will get a bit of a break at least. And my Mum will be retired then and could help me out! (She is a teacher).

I just think there stands to be more opportunities in teaching than in being a TA or learning mentor. There are many more jobs, better pay, more flexibility and the chance that, if my health were to improve, I could take on more responsibilities if I wanted to.

Plus I think starting in September next year would be a good thing as I could have "a year out" to move in with my boyfriend, get used to being more independent, and maybe even work a job too to get some more money saved up.

I've faced and overcome challenges before, maybe I'm ready for the next one now...

It's VERY scary, I can't even be sure at this stage if it's 'the right thing' but at least I have time to think it over.