I'm so frustrated. I don't know what I want, because it's all dependent on how I feel with POTS and lately I feel exhausted every day. I mean, I'm sure the bank holiday weekend hasn't really helped: I went out Friday night and even spent 3 hours standing up, dancing. I enjoyed myself but hello exhaustion and the exacerbation of my sore, swollen throat (not sure whether its the infection I got over Easter that my body hasn't quite fought off, a new one or an allergy thing). If I could have rested all weekend I'd probably have been okay, but weekends are the only time I get to see my bf (because I am too busy and tired in the week, working part time and finishing this diploma). My bf loves walking. I do too, but he's super fit and so I nearly always end up pushing myself. I do this because I am stubborn and I think it might just help in the long run, and at least I'm not getting de-conditioned... but man, I am sick to the back teeth of hills. I'm okay walking on the flat but as soon as there's even a slight incline and I'm in tachycardia central, it's like the beta blockers don't touch me anymore.
I'm also having trouble with my hydration because by bbs and my bladder meds interact strangely with one another, so my overactive bladder med isn't as effective, so I'm peeing out what I try to put in. I'm trying to get in at the Doctors to get some DDAVP as my pots Dr said I might be able to try it (I'd better be!) and I feel like it would really help as I believe a lot of my symptoms are because of the fact I am always dehydrated, or verging on it, no matter how much I drink.
So, I just seem to spend every week feeling like sh** just so that I can push myself through another weekend. Don't get me wrong, I always enjoy time with my bf, but I sleep terribly (I just cannot get used to someone else being there beside me, even if I get to sleep I wake up numerous times because I am such a light sleeper- and I've tried all sorts of herbs and OTC sleep aids). So I lose sleep, then push myself through long walks, then spend the whole week recovering to do it all again the following weekend.
I'm feeling even more exhausted lately than normal as I just can't seem to recover from this infection I had. My throat hasn't got back to normal and after my busy bank holiday weekend it now feels worse.
I felt relatively human for about 10 minutes this morning, then the feeling of exhaustion kicked in again. If just sitting at the computer browsing for pleasure is so tiring, how can I be even thinking of putting myself through 17 months of hard studying?
I want to be able to do it, but just getting out of bed this morning has exhausted me. How can I drive to train stations, sit on trains, wait for buses, walk to classes, concentrate and take information in, walk and wait for buses again, wait for train, drive home and then do the same thing again the next day AND whatever work assignments I am expected to do as well??? I WANT to be able to do it, but right now I don't feel capable. I don't know whether to bite the bullet and push myself and hope that I somehow find the strength... or whether to admit defeat and accept this lesser job.
It's the studying that scares me the most though, not doing the job. If I could just somehow get through the 17 months of study and get the qualification. I know the job itself isn't easy (both my parents are teachers, I know a lot of teachers through volunteering at Mum's school, one of my best friends is a teacher) but I think I could do it part time and keep doing my hypnotherapy the rest of the time. I'd love to do that!
So maybe I will have to push myself through the scary studying part of it.
I just really don't want it to affect my relationship. I could do it if I was single and still living at home and all my spare time when not studying could be spent on sleeping/resting. But I can't live like that now.
All I can hope is I can get on this DDAVP and it helps me get hydrated and improves my symptoms further. I can also hope that this exhaustion lately is because of the infection I have/had and is just a temporary exacerbation of worsened fatigue.
At least I have time to think things through I guess.
I want to do the course but I'll be frank, I'm terrified I'm taking on too much.
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Sounds like you're trying to juggle an aweful lot! Balance and honesty with bf is important to keeping up with your busy lifestyle. I am a teacher, and it exhausts me, I've given up most of my social life to work in a career that I love. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteAlways inspired,
Michele
Thank you Michele. It's great to know that it is possible to teach with POTs even though it is no doubt exhausting! I see how tired my parents get (both are teachers, my Mum works with the age range I'd be wanting to work with) and they are fully healthy! This is why I am finding it such a tough decision. I don't want to take on too much and do my health a disservice! But equally, I don't want to let my health keep holding me back.
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