I've had an awful potsy day today. Bad dizziness, exhaustion and TERRIBLE brain fog. The latter is SO frustrating for me; before all this I was a straight A student who got a degree and could remember anything and everything and spout off all kinds of knowledge. Lately, I am forgetting what I am saying in the middle of sentences, walking into a room and forgetting why I'm there, forgetting how to do simple things... the list would go on, if I could remember it!
So this evening I wanted to set the dvd to record something. I haven't done this for a couple of years and so naturally, I couldn't remember what to do. What was worse though was I couldn't even remember the basic things like what button made the TV switch from TV screen to DVD. I KNEW there WAS a button, but I was just sitting starring at the remote for ages feeling this frustration welling up inside of me because I couldn't remember or find the button. I tried pressing a few but they were wrong. What was making it worse was my Dad was in the room waiting for me to do it whilst watching some police camera action type show, so there were these flashing lights and sirens really bothering me, plus my Dad is SUPER critical, so he starts on with the criticisms, telling me how I'm pointing the remote wrong and I should do this not that, blah blah blah... then he starts shouting at me because he was 'trying to watch the bloody telly' and I ask him to please NOT shout at me. But not only does he not bother to listen, he stands up shouting over me and ends his tirade with the accusation 'you've been a fart all day!'
Well gee, I know THAT already. But I'd rather be a fart than an incompassionate ranting moron.
He went off having a tantrum, slamming doors and finally left me to it.
Once he was gone, I managed to figure out how to set the dvd- albeit slowly with a couple more 'trial and error' mistakes.
In the past, an outburst like that would have upset me but currently all I feel is- fine, whatever. Have a stupid tantrum and shout at me, that's just great. I feel that shitty as it is, it doesn't even impact on me. Maybe coz I've learned not to care what he thinks or how he treats me, as this isn't anything new.
*shrug*
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I'm sorry that your dad has been such a... lovely and calming influence ;) in your life... He and my mother would either get along very well or would completely kill each other because they are so much alike. Like you, I am learning how to just let all of the insanity roll off my back and ignore it, though there are times for me that it's pretty near impossible.
ReplyDeleteDo you think it's because they (your Dad and my Mom) don't even understand POTS or even think that it's real?
LOL Ericka- that 'lovely calming influence' made me laugh out loud. Sorry that your Mum can be this way too! It can be very frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI don't even think it's anything to do with me having a "condition", it's just the way my Dad is. He's shouted at me for all sorts of nonsense way before I was ill with anything. I don't understand why he is that way, he just is and I'm used to it.
However, that said, I think a lot of people in my life don't understand POTS. Can't blame them though, it's taken me lots of reading and posting questions on forums to be able to simply BEGIN to understand it myself! :-) Once I get an official diagnosis (which I hope will happen soon) I will start to educate them as best I can! ;)