Big Night Out

not happening.

I was being optimistic and telling myself I'd be okay for it, but the reality is very different- I pushed myself beyond endurance yesterday while wearing the monitor. I did loads of jobs, went to the shops and walked up the biggest hill in the village. Today, my head hurts, I'm very tired and my tachycardia is on the bad side so I'm sitting as much as possible.

I don't feel that disappointed though. I don't know whether this is some emotional numbness that my body/mind keeps creating to protect me from sad/frustrated feelings, because I do hate saying no to things I'd looked forward to, or whether it's because I felt way, way worse when I actually had depression and didn't have any nights out to go to because I had no friends anywhere near me. Knowing that I have friends who I CAN see at times when I do feel okay is for the most part keeping me feeling kind of okay with this. These friends are members of the walking group (which is also like a big social group) which puts on plenty of social activities throughout the year, so I can 'pace myself' and do what takes my fancy and make sure I intersperse that with quiet, restful times.

And when I am feeling REALLY good, I have friends I can text and arrange Big Nights Out with, to make the most of times when I feel well.

I'm not Pollyanna and if I let myself think too much about it, I do feel damned annoyed that my body is holding me back from saying yes to all the fun things I get invited to; I wanted to 'make up for lost time' and have lots of fun after having gotten over so much crap from my mind holding me back. Now I'm free mentally to have fun and have the people in my life I can have fun with, my body isn't letting me. Yes, that pisses me off. In fact if I think too much about it, I risk sending myself into a demented rage of tears and lamentations.

Which I do sometimes allow myself to have but most of the time I prefer to use the mental skills I honed when overcoming depression and focus on the good things.

It's no good driving myself crazy thinking "if only I didn't have this, I could have done this, that and the other." That's just going to make me feel crap emotionally on top of feeling like crap physically.

So I just think- well, I've got this, I'm dealing with it the best I can, I've got great friends and there will be other nights out, nights out that I am going to go WILD on and make the absolute MOST of.

I could have gone to the pub and spent the night sitting down, chatting; it might have distracted me from feeling crappy- but I don't feel up to even the noise today. I'm in that kind of fragile state where things like that are just 'too much'.

Besides, I have other things to look forward to and that helped make my decision to say NO to the Big Night Out even easier. Tomorrow is my Grandma's birthday, then I'm going to Lee's as usual for the weekend, and we're both invited to another couple's house for tea. I met them on New Years Eve and really enjoyed spending time with them so this is an event that I want to feel 'up' to, and if I went out tonight, even just sitting and chatting, I fear I'd tire myself out too much to enjoy myself Saturday night. So, I had to choose one or the other. And being the kind of person I am, I am GLAD that I can still make that choice- even though I could be negative about it and think 'oh woe is me if I didn't have this I could do both, my other friends could and would do both, boo hoo' I think- I'm just really glad that I can do what I can do, even though I do wish I could do more. It could be worse and I'm grateful that it isn't.

True, I've been forced into thinking this way, because if I don't I'll just be tremendously fucked off and frustrated. But it's like I tell my clients- you can't choose what shit (well, I may not put it quite that way) life gives you, but you CAN choose how you respond to it.

I'm probably writing this as a way to remind myself of that, because I fall prey to that negative thinking of feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could be a healthy person free of limitations. The fact is I'm not, and I have to accept it and work with my limitations as best I can.

I'm still coming to terms with all this. Even though I've not been well for 8 years, I'd convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was 'just tired' that I 'just get tired a lot' and that if I exercised more and 'got used to being more active', I'd be okay.

Well, now that I've realised there's a reason for this fatigue, now that I know there IS something wrong... I keep getting these thoughts like- if it wasn't for this, what COULD life have been like? What COULD I have done/be doing? What WOULD it be like to not need to rest so much before and after events just so that I can do them? What would it be like to just be able to do everything I want to do, without having to think about 'spoons'?

But I don't want that thought because it's futile. This IS how I am and I have to deal with it.

I'm not entirely sure if this post is positive or negative... maybe a bit of both. That's kind of how I feel. I'm sad and fed up that I've got to realise I can't do everything I want to do. I'm also scared because I haven't even yet tried to work full time AND do fun things and I don't want to have to say no to fun things all the time because I'm too tired from working... I'm scared because I don't know how to adapt to this, live with it, and make the life changes I'm in the process of making (working, moving in with my boyfriend, being independent...) but I'm also determined, to find my way through (even though I wish I didn't have to) whatever shit I have to.