Why is making a decision SOOO HARD?!!!

Okay, so I decided I'd like to be a learning mentor.

There are some spanners in the works though...

I'm not sure if there's much availability of that job in primary schools...

So, second option is get a TA role, train as a higher level TA (better pay so I can afford to move in with my boyfriend) and then look out for a learning mentor job.

But I keep having this little nagging voice saying why not just do what you nearly did in 2008 and do a Post grad certificate in education, and be a teacher?

I'm just not sure if it's what I really want.

My problem is, I am very intelligent, so I could be a teacher if I wanted to be. However, after being ill, I've also lost confidence in my ability to handle stress. My Mum and Dad are both teachers, so's one of my best friends, and a lot of my Mum's friends through work are (where I help) and everyone seems so often very stressed!

So my dilemma is, do I use my brain to its full capacity and become a teacher which might mean signing myself up for a career of dealing with stress?

OR do I do what I originally planned to do and go for the easier, less stressful option, but one which I might end up stressed over for different reasons, like having to manage on a lower income, not having a good pension, worrying about whether I will accrue enough savings to live comfortably when retired etc.

I really just can't decide what to do for the best! I almost wish I hadn't let my Mum talk me out of doing the PGCE in 2008 and then I'd already be a qualified teacher now. But would I enjoy that, or would I be hating it if I was? That's the problem- I just don't know!

I suppose what I could do is get a TA job, get my HLTA status and see how I go with that. If I enjoy it, if I feel fulfilled, or if that nagging voice is still there teling me 'go further- go higher- you could do better'. IF it is still there, well I suppose it's never too late to learn. It'd only take me a year of hard work to become a teacher if I chose to. So if I work for a year or even a few years as a TA/HLTA and then decide I want to take it further, I can.

If not, if I really enjoy my role as a HLTA or find a job as a learning mentor in a primary school, then I won't have any regrets.

Yes, that sounds like the best plan. I suppose what's been nagging at me are worries that I could have done 'so much more' if I'd pushed myself higher, and that if I went for the less stressful option, I might just feel bored or like I'd let myself down, like I was underachieving.

But I feel equally uncomfortable about the idea of pushing myself into being a teacher only to discover I find it stressful and draining!

So really my best bet would be not to panic over my age as it's never too late, but get a TA role, get my HLTA status, get a FEEL for doing that work... and if I like it- great! If I don't, if I still get that feeling 'I could do more, I could do better than this' well THEN I will push myself that bit higher again, and do the PGCE. It doesn't matter if I'm in my mid or even late 30s! By then education might even have changed and be run much better without all these stupid tests and targets that are really what put me off getting into teaching in the first place.

I don't need to make rash decisions just because I'm 'getting on in life'. My boyfriend just got a degree at 38 and it took him 7 years because of how he did it part time whilst working full time! Plus he's not even 'academic'. So that's an inspiration. I was always academic and a high achiever, so if I choose to go beyond being a HLTA and decide yeah, I actually do wish I was a teacher, then I could do that.

Actually, even though it takes longer, it's probably better doing it this gradual way, rather than throwing myself in the deep end. That way I can test the waters of being HLTA or learning mentor if that comes up, and if I enjoy that I don't even have to swim to the deep end! But if I'm dissatisfied, I can always swim to the deep end and at least I'll have had the experience of being in the water for a few years! Because as of now, I've only been paddling. So I might as well get in nice and gently and learn to float and keep my head above water first, than dive right in the deep end when I'm not even sure it's what I want.

I suppose a decision doesn't have to be made all at once but can be made incrementally, with little bits of experience here and there. If I get used to working full time and end up liking it and wanting to push myself to learn and achieve more then I can. If I'm satisfied with where I am, I won't need to.

As long as I am working with children I think I will be happy. And if for whatever reason living with my boyfriend turns out to be living beyond my means, I can always move back in with my parents. It's not like I am going to end up on the streets with a begging bowl if I don't earn the salary of a teacher!

I need to decide based on what would make me feel happiest. I'm not sure on what that would be yet. I'm not sure whether my fears about being 'too stressed' if I were a teacher are based on all the negatives I hear from those around me and not on what I really want if I thought more positively. But I can find that out as I set foot into the world of working in a school.

The point is, if I want to go for it then I can, there's nothing to stop me. And if I choose not to, if I'm happy with a 'lesser' role as an assistant or mentor, there's no shame in that.