Yesterday got off to a very stressful start, my bf and I were woken at 5.30am by banging on the door (that's enough to give anyone tachycardia, so my heart when I sat up while he went down to investigate was terribly speedy!) and it didn't get any better when the news was that his Mum had been taken into hospital.
We rushed up and went, she wasn't admitted so we ended up having a nice day, though strange, once we brought her home. It's still a worry as she's been poorly a while and isn't yet recovering at all. :/
My bf told me he was surprised I'd gone along too and not stayed in bed sleeping! He knows how I don't deal well with early starts but I was shocked he thought I wouldn't go. I told him he'd underestimated me vastly. He admitted that after 7 years of dating 'horrible women' who just used him, he couldn't get used to being with someone so different- that he knows I'm not like them, but his brain just can't seem to get used to it and he has to pinch himself to believe how lucky he is.
He later said something so lovely: he said "You've got a heart of gold, never mind a racing heart." :-) I felt so touched. He told me he'd waited all his life for a woman like me and thought it was never going to happen.
I just thought I'd share, since it's such a nice thing for a potsy girl to hear, lol. :-)
Monday, 28 June 2010
Blog mania!
Okay, so I obviously blog when I am thinking things through... lol- it's my version of mulling it over, and I often choose to do it in this blog because my POTS condition affects a lot of the decisions I make and I know my fellow POTSy/chronically ill followers understand what that's like!
It's funny that Michele should have mentioned online courses in my post below because it just occurred to me that this would probably be the best way to go about it.
That way, I can TAKE AS LONG AS I WANT/NEED. I don't have to worry about travelling time/fatigue/expenses. (I don't travel well- so travelling to learn when also working is just about the worst for me!).
Also, it's NOT AS EXPENSIVE.
And I'd still get a qualification that would allow me to join some sort of 'body' for the ethical practice of herbalism.
For instance, doing the 5 year course would cost a scary few thousand pounds each YEAR.
I could buy the online course for half that price and that would be the whole course plus materials, everything! Then I could do it at my own pace with tutor support.
So, with this option now in mind, my plan is...
Apply for the graduate teacher program. I still want to work with children and can see myself enjoying this role.
Think more on this herbalism stuff, and if I do decide to go ahead, I can send off for an online course and progress at my own pace. That way, if at any time I'm 'under pressure' either in my role as a teacher or in my training, I can put the herbalism stuff to one side, to pick up later when I have the time/energy.
I've got to be practical as well as follow my dreams, and after all these years of not working, I do need a sustainable income doing SOMETHING and preferably something I enjoy- so for this reason, I am making the teaching course my priority, and the herbalism idea something I COULD do if the dream is still with me in the coming months. So I'm not jumping into any sudden decisions. There's a lot to consider, like- with the state of the economy as it is, I can't really justify forking out thousands of pounds for lengthy training when in the future, people might not be wanting to consult a herbalist! There's no guarantee of a good income, so I might never earn back the money spent, not to mention the time it takes and the ENERGY!
I want to live a happy, comfortable life enjoying what I do. I don't want to take on too much and be overworked for the next 5 years, so I've decided 99% against doing the original course I saw and am going to take my time and look into distance learning courses. But that said, the teaching course is the priority.
Another advantage I can see to this is I can either: wait until I've qualified as a teacher and got a feel for how much spare time/energy I have realistically before doing the course, OR I can start it as soon as I've applied for the GTP and be doing it in those 'empty months' January-September before I can actually start. Then, if I haven't completed it by then (not sure how long realistically it would take to do 9 modules) I could put it on a back burner if needs be whilst doing the teacher training.
After completion, I could then work as a herbalist on Saturday mornings in a clinic near our new home (these are just ideas) and build up a practice. Then if that works out good, could potentially move to working part time in teaching, and doing herbalism/holistic therapy the rest of the time (maybe 2 days per week).
If I didn't do it that way, I could always save the herbalism and the hypnosis (and any other holistic therapy qualifications I might acquire) for when I'm retired (I like to think of long term plans as well as short term goals and living for the moment). Basically, I just want to ensure I have options and don't get 'stuck in a rut' doing any one thing.
It's funny that Michele should have mentioned online courses in my post below because it just occurred to me that this would probably be the best way to go about it.
That way, I can TAKE AS LONG AS I WANT/NEED. I don't have to worry about travelling time/fatigue/expenses. (I don't travel well- so travelling to learn when also working is just about the worst for me!).
Also, it's NOT AS EXPENSIVE.
And I'd still get a qualification that would allow me to join some sort of 'body' for the ethical practice of herbalism.
For instance, doing the 5 year course would cost a scary few thousand pounds each YEAR.
I could buy the online course for half that price and that would be the whole course plus materials, everything! Then I could do it at my own pace with tutor support.
So, with this option now in mind, my plan is...
Apply for the graduate teacher program. I still want to work with children and can see myself enjoying this role.
Think more on this herbalism stuff, and if I do decide to go ahead, I can send off for an online course and progress at my own pace. That way, if at any time I'm 'under pressure' either in my role as a teacher or in my training, I can put the herbalism stuff to one side, to pick up later when I have the time/energy.
I've got to be practical as well as follow my dreams, and after all these years of not working, I do need a sustainable income doing SOMETHING and preferably something I enjoy- so for this reason, I am making the teaching course my priority, and the herbalism idea something I COULD do if the dream is still with me in the coming months. So I'm not jumping into any sudden decisions. There's a lot to consider, like- with the state of the economy as it is, I can't really justify forking out thousands of pounds for lengthy training when in the future, people might not be wanting to consult a herbalist! There's no guarantee of a good income, so I might never earn back the money spent, not to mention the time it takes and the ENERGY!
I want to live a happy, comfortable life enjoying what I do. I don't want to take on too much and be overworked for the next 5 years, so I've decided 99% against doing the original course I saw and am going to take my time and look into distance learning courses. But that said, the teaching course is the priority.
Another advantage I can see to this is I can either: wait until I've qualified as a teacher and got a feel for how much spare time/energy I have realistically before doing the course, OR I can start it as soon as I've applied for the GTP and be doing it in those 'empty months' January-September before I can actually start. Then, if I haven't completed it by then (not sure how long realistically it would take to do 9 modules) I could put it on a back burner if needs be whilst doing the teacher training.
After completion, I could then work as a herbalist on Saturday mornings in a clinic near our new home (these are just ideas) and build up a practice. Then if that works out good, could potentially move to working part time in teaching, and doing herbalism/holistic therapy the rest of the time (maybe 2 days per week).
If I didn't do it that way, I could always save the herbalism and the hypnosis (and any other holistic therapy qualifications I might acquire) for when I'm retired (I like to think of long term plans as well as short term goals and living for the moment). Basically, I just want to ensure I have options and don't get 'stuck in a rut' doing any one thing.
A sign...
I got on the phone, made enquiries, and with my savings, I can afford the course itself. What I don't yet know is how much extra costs there will be, like books, travel expenses (unfortunately I can only do one year of it in Manchester- nearest me- the rest is in London so not sure what it will cost to keep travelling back and forth or to stay one night in a hotel each weekend I'm there).
Another important and scary thing I don't know is how much work I will have to put in in between weekends attending the course. If working full time, not sure how much energy and time I'm going to have for that... so yeah, it's scary.
But a big part of me still feels like I'd like to try! Even though another scary factor is at the end, I'm not even guaranteed to make any money at this! Though I do think I could.
There's so many offputting things about it, but maybe- just maybe- this time my dream could take me beyond that...
I asked for a 'sign' if this is the right path to take, and funnily enough when I just logged on, today's daily motivator said thus:
Another road
If something looks to be impossible, look at it in a different way. What you wish to do can be done, though perhaps not in the way you originally thought.
Just because one road is blocked, does not mean that the destination is unreachable. You can always find another road, or make your own.
An important part of any achievement is making it your own achievement. It is your very own dream, and you must find your own way there.
Whatever seems to be blocking you is merely guiding you to be more creative. Each challenge brings with it a new opportunity to add your own unique value to the effort.
Don't let your mind get so tightly wrapped around the problems of the moment that you fail to see the larger possibilities. Know that there's a way to move forward, and you'll find it.
Your imagination is what first connected you to your dream. Nourish that imagination and let it carry you all the way there.
-- Ralph Marston
Read more: http://greatday.com/index.html#ixzz0s90PRc90
I've not made up my mind, but I'm going to talk it through with my bf and my Grandma, and I am seriously considering it.
I have no idea though, if I do go ahead and apply, what job to do in the meantime. I think this AND teaching could well be too much, especially as I'd be training for a year in the teaching too so would have work to do for that. Maybe I'd be better off going back to the alternative option of working up to being a HLTA... but I don't know. There is a LOT to think about. I just hope I can make a decision I am happy with that carries me forwards!
Another important and scary thing I don't know is how much work I will have to put in in between weekends attending the course. If working full time, not sure how much energy and time I'm going to have for that... so yeah, it's scary.
But a big part of me still feels like I'd like to try! Even though another scary factor is at the end, I'm not even guaranteed to make any money at this! Though I do think I could.
There's so many offputting things about it, but maybe- just maybe- this time my dream could take me beyond that...
I asked for a 'sign' if this is the right path to take, and funnily enough when I just logged on, today's daily motivator said thus:
Another road
If something looks to be impossible, look at it in a different way. What you wish to do can be done, though perhaps not in the way you originally thought.
Just because one road is blocked, does not mean that the destination is unreachable. You can always find another road, or make your own.
An important part of any achievement is making it your own achievement. It is your very own dream, and you must find your own way there.
Whatever seems to be blocking you is merely guiding you to be more creative. Each challenge brings with it a new opportunity to add your own unique value to the effort.
Don't let your mind get so tightly wrapped around the problems of the moment that you fail to see the larger possibilities. Know that there's a way to move forward, and you'll find it.
Your imagination is what first connected you to your dream. Nourish that imagination and let it carry you all the way there.
-- Ralph Marston
Read more: http://greatday.com/index.html#ixzz0s90PRc90
I've not made up my mind, but I'm going to talk it through with my bf and my Grandma, and I am seriously considering it.
I have no idea though, if I do go ahead and apply, what job to do in the meantime. I think this AND teaching could well be too much, especially as I'd be training for a year in the teaching too so would have work to do for that. Maybe I'd be better off going back to the alternative option of working up to being a HLTA... but I don't know. There is a LOT to think about. I just hope I can make a decision I am happy with that carries me forwards!
It's never too late... right?
All my life, I've been so 'out of it' health wise that I could never really make my mind up what I truly wanted to do. Everything I 'looked into' seemed too hard, to take too long, would be too 'scary'- too 'much' for me in my state of health.
I'm planning to apply to a teaching course that I'd start next year in September. I do love working with children and I'm sure I'd enjoy it, but I'm not sure if it would be my passion.
At the weekend, something happened that made me wonder if I might just be finding my passion. My boyfriends Mum was taken ill in hospital. She's okay, well she didn't have to be admitted anyway. But afterwards, he said something that's obviously got me thinking.
He was praising me on how I was able to help and deal with the situation, and how I had so much knowledge of medicines (and herbs) and I jokingly said "I should have been a herbalist." To which he replied "It's never too late" and went on to tell me I'd make a brilliant one.
Just thinking about actually being able to do that makes me feel excited. Makes me feel... fulfilled. Like I'd be making a difference, the kind of difference I want to make. Helping people- not just with prescribing herbs but in talking to them, listening to them, helping them holistically, making them feel valued.
Trouble is, it's not that easy. I'm 28 this year. I haven't had a 'real' job yet, ever. I need to earn money. I have limited energy. The course will cost money. It will take time (a long time if I do it part time!). I will need a job to pay for the course and my living expenses when I move in with my bf, but that means I can't do the course in 3 years, it will take FIVE. That's a long time. I'd be 33 before I could even start practising. What do I do in the meantime?? Do I apply for the teaching course? That in itself is going to be hard work. Will I be taking on too much and making my own health suffer?
Or another option is working up to a HLTA in a school like I considered before. That wouldn't have the stress of teaching at least, or the extra paperwork and hours, so might leave me more time and energy to put into the naturopathy training. But I'm not sure I'd have enough money to live on and pay for the training for 5 years!!
There's a lot I need to think about. And I've done this many times, thought of something, felt like it'd be a great thing to do, then looked deeper into it and come to the sad conclusion that it's "beyond me"
But if I keep doing that then it really WILL be beyond me; I don't want to look back in 10 years time and think, if only I'd tried when I was 27... now it really IS too late. In the same way now I'm thinking 'if only I'd realised this at 17... I'd have had more confidence to go for it, because I'd have time on my side'.
But 33 is hardly old! If I taught for 5 years and then changed careers and became a herbalist at 33, at least I'd be keeping life interesting. And then if it turned out I did find teaching really stressful, at least I'd know I'd got another option. And even if I spent the money becoming a herbalist and then didn't end up working as one because I might end up enjoying teaching, I could retire as a herbalist when teaching becomes 'too much' and even if I didn't do that, it may be worth it for the knowledge and the learning, even if I don't use it in a job-related role.
It all depends how much it costs, and whether I feel I'll be cut out for the amount of study involved (which, lets face it as we know with POTs is very daunting).
It might turn out I have to admit defeat and be 'sensible'. But I have an idea now and it's an idea that is making me feel there's something in life to be excited about again... so I'm not giving up on the idea just yet...
I'm planning to apply to a teaching course that I'd start next year in September. I do love working with children and I'm sure I'd enjoy it, but I'm not sure if it would be my passion.
At the weekend, something happened that made me wonder if I might just be finding my passion. My boyfriends Mum was taken ill in hospital. She's okay, well she didn't have to be admitted anyway. But afterwards, he said something that's obviously got me thinking.
He was praising me on how I was able to help and deal with the situation, and how I had so much knowledge of medicines (and herbs) and I jokingly said "I should have been a herbalist." To which he replied "It's never too late" and went on to tell me I'd make a brilliant one.
Just thinking about actually being able to do that makes me feel excited. Makes me feel... fulfilled. Like I'd be making a difference, the kind of difference I want to make. Helping people- not just with prescribing herbs but in talking to them, listening to them, helping them holistically, making them feel valued.
Trouble is, it's not that easy. I'm 28 this year. I haven't had a 'real' job yet, ever. I need to earn money. I have limited energy. The course will cost money. It will take time (a long time if I do it part time!). I will need a job to pay for the course and my living expenses when I move in with my bf, but that means I can't do the course in 3 years, it will take FIVE. That's a long time. I'd be 33 before I could even start practising. What do I do in the meantime?? Do I apply for the teaching course? That in itself is going to be hard work. Will I be taking on too much and making my own health suffer?
Or another option is working up to a HLTA in a school like I considered before. That wouldn't have the stress of teaching at least, or the extra paperwork and hours, so might leave me more time and energy to put into the naturopathy training. But I'm not sure I'd have enough money to live on and pay for the training for 5 years!!
There's a lot I need to think about. And I've done this many times, thought of something, felt like it'd be a great thing to do, then looked deeper into it and come to the sad conclusion that it's "beyond me"
But if I keep doing that then it really WILL be beyond me; I don't want to look back in 10 years time and think, if only I'd tried when I was 27... now it really IS too late. In the same way now I'm thinking 'if only I'd realised this at 17... I'd have had more confidence to go for it, because I'd have time on my side'.
But 33 is hardly old! If I taught for 5 years and then changed careers and became a herbalist at 33, at least I'd be keeping life interesting. And then if it turned out I did find teaching really stressful, at least I'd know I'd got another option. And even if I spent the money becoming a herbalist and then didn't end up working as one because I might end up enjoying teaching, I could retire as a herbalist when teaching becomes 'too much' and even if I didn't do that, it may be worth it for the knowledge and the learning, even if I don't use it in a job-related role.
It all depends how much it costs, and whether I feel I'll be cut out for the amount of study involved (which, lets face it as we know with POTs is very daunting).
It might turn out I have to admit defeat and be 'sensible'. But I have an idea now and it's an idea that is making me feel there's something in life to be excited about again... so I'm not giving up on the idea just yet...
Friday, 25 June 2010
Reminder of the recent past...
One of my best friends just uploaded some pictures of a night out we had last year, in November. It was an absolutely BRILLIANT night out. I got drunk and suffered muchly the next day (didn't know I had POTS so couldn't understand why I was still feeling 'drunk' and so dizzy all day the next day!) but the fun that was had was worth it, and I'm not usually one for getting drunk, even before knowing about POTS. I could always have a good time without it. Never needed it for confidence or anything- but this one particular night, I was just enjoying it and it made me very giggly and very happy- I feel like it made me more my natural self.
There's this one photo of me, her and my best male friend (well, after my boyfriend that is) and we all look SO happy (and healthy!). It's quite poignant because shortly after both my health and my female friends deteriorated- my POTS flared horribly and she had to have an operation on her ankle and has been out of work and depressed because of how it has incapacitated her (she cycles competitively and does rowing and all sorts of very sporty things, so to not be able to do that is awful for her).
I went on a night out in the same pub recently, a couple of weeks ago. She didn't go because she had a bad pain night. I forced myself to go and spent a lot of time sitting and staring into space. It made me so sad, remembering what fun we'd had the first time, and how different it was the second... when I was tired and doped up on hypertensive meds in an attempt to lower my heart-rate.
I am going somewhere with all this, not just rambling...
Seeing how bright and happy I look in this picture of the three of us made me determined, I am GOING to get back to that. Even if my POTS doesn't improve to the extent that I feel as healthy, I am GOING to have that bright, happy smile and FEEL that happy and carefree.
I was given a prescription for florinef today. When I read of the side effects and the effects of long term use I felt my heart sink and I felt very afraid to even start it! I don't want to depend on something that can give me GLAUCOMAS and osteoperosis!!!!
But then, after seeing that photo, it made me think. If it can give me back some better quality of life, it may very well be worth the risk- as they often have to report the very worst case scenarios in those leaflets on side effects because of this litigious society we live in. I've had 9 years of feeling fatigued and battling exhaustion- nights out like that were always few and far between- which I guess is why I was always SO happy when I went on one and felt good! If taking a pill could do something that gave me back more of that energy and sparkle that I've very much lost lately, then I'd take that over another 9 years of battling and feeling drained. Even though it scares me half to death to rely on something that could cause such awful effects in the long term.
That's what I'm telling myself anyway- because I'm hoping the fear is an overreaction. But I still feel uncomfortable about it.
But if I could feel as happy and well as I felt that night, and have a few years of that... well, it wouldn't be worth getting a glaucoma but I'm hopeful that the risk of that is minimal enough to make the positives outweigh the fear I feel.
Basically I guess what I am saying is, even though it scares me, even though I hate 'relying' on pharmaceuticals, IF they help me to feel good, so I can be bright and sparkly and happy again (not dulled and drained and wearing a painted on smile) then it's worth facing my fears.
There's this one photo of me, her and my best male friend (well, after my boyfriend that is) and we all look SO happy (and healthy!). It's quite poignant because shortly after both my health and my female friends deteriorated- my POTS flared horribly and she had to have an operation on her ankle and has been out of work and depressed because of how it has incapacitated her (she cycles competitively and does rowing and all sorts of very sporty things, so to not be able to do that is awful for her).
I went on a night out in the same pub recently, a couple of weeks ago. She didn't go because she had a bad pain night. I forced myself to go and spent a lot of time sitting and staring into space. It made me so sad, remembering what fun we'd had the first time, and how different it was the second... when I was tired and doped up on hypertensive meds in an attempt to lower my heart-rate.
I am going somewhere with all this, not just rambling...
Seeing how bright and happy I look in this picture of the three of us made me determined, I am GOING to get back to that. Even if my POTS doesn't improve to the extent that I feel as healthy, I am GOING to have that bright, happy smile and FEEL that happy and carefree.
I was given a prescription for florinef today. When I read of the side effects and the effects of long term use I felt my heart sink and I felt very afraid to even start it! I don't want to depend on something that can give me GLAUCOMAS and osteoperosis!!!!
But then, after seeing that photo, it made me think. If it can give me back some better quality of life, it may very well be worth the risk- as they often have to report the very worst case scenarios in those leaflets on side effects because of this litigious society we live in. I've had 9 years of feeling fatigued and battling exhaustion- nights out like that were always few and far between- which I guess is why I was always SO happy when I went on one and felt good! If taking a pill could do something that gave me back more of that energy and sparkle that I've very much lost lately, then I'd take that over another 9 years of battling and feeling drained. Even though it scares me half to death to rely on something that could cause such awful effects in the long term.
That's what I'm telling myself anyway- because I'm hoping the fear is an overreaction. But I still feel uncomfortable about it.
But if I could feel as happy and well as I felt that night, and have a few years of that... well, it wouldn't be worth getting a glaucoma but I'm hopeful that the risk of that is minimal enough to make the positives outweigh the fear I feel.
Basically I guess what I am saying is, even though it scares me, even though I hate 'relying' on pharmaceuticals, IF they help me to feel good, so I can be bright and sparkly and happy again (not dulled and drained and wearing a painted on smile) then it's worth facing my fears.
Monday, 21 June 2010
If
If I was given the choice-
Option A: you could have all your POTS symptoms go away, be as fit as ever, never feel tired again, never have tremors again, never lay awake at night with your heart racing again, and you could have a ticket to travel round the world and write a book that would be guaranteed to be a best seller, have your own holistic health healing clinic out in the country, basically have ALL your dreams come true, on only one condition- you had to do it without your boyfriend
OR
Option B: you could just carry on as you are, not knowing whether it will get better, worse or stay the same, not knowing if you'll ever get to travel the world, not knowing if you'll ever be able to concentrate long enough to write a book let alone whether it would be published, and probably never have a healing clinic because you don't have the time or energy to set one up, but you could keep your boyfriend for as long as he wants to stay with you (and you don't even have any guarantee how long that will be)
then I wouldn't even have to think about it, it would be option B every time.
There were some ups and downs in the beginning, and I was afraid he wouldn't want me when he found out I was genuinely ill and that it might never get better, and we might even snap at each other first thing in the morning after a terrible nights sleep because I had tremors all night and was too proud to admit what was going on and how awful I find it, but it's all worthwhile when he reaches out to squeeze my hand, looks into my eyes and sees beyond my illness, beyond my crabbiness and beyond my lack of self belief that I get at times and tells me that he isn't going to let me go because I am one in 6 billion.
To have him, to have that, I'd take the tremors every night of my life, to wake up next to him, crabby and exhausted and drag my potsy self out of bed before him to let him rest a little longer while I prepare us strawberries for breakfast, sitting and chopping while he showers, and have him teasing me for being a 'fidget' and keeping him awake- because he loves me anyway and having that makes having POTS, awful though it can be, just a tiny blip in a life worthwhile. Because I've been loved and I have loved. And that's all I ever wanted. An experience I hadn't ever had late into my years- to have someone choose to love me, flaws and all.
Option A: you could have all your POTS symptoms go away, be as fit as ever, never feel tired again, never have tremors again, never lay awake at night with your heart racing again, and you could have a ticket to travel round the world and write a book that would be guaranteed to be a best seller, have your own holistic health healing clinic out in the country, basically have ALL your dreams come true, on only one condition- you had to do it without your boyfriend
OR
Option B: you could just carry on as you are, not knowing whether it will get better, worse or stay the same, not knowing if you'll ever get to travel the world, not knowing if you'll ever be able to concentrate long enough to write a book let alone whether it would be published, and probably never have a healing clinic because you don't have the time or energy to set one up, but you could keep your boyfriend for as long as he wants to stay with you (and you don't even have any guarantee how long that will be)
then I wouldn't even have to think about it, it would be option B every time.
There were some ups and downs in the beginning, and I was afraid he wouldn't want me when he found out I was genuinely ill and that it might never get better, and we might even snap at each other first thing in the morning after a terrible nights sleep because I had tremors all night and was too proud to admit what was going on and how awful I find it, but it's all worthwhile when he reaches out to squeeze my hand, looks into my eyes and sees beyond my illness, beyond my crabbiness and beyond my lack of self belief that I get at times and tells me that he isn't going to let me go because I am one in 6 billion.
To have him, to have that, I'd take the tremors every night of my life, to wake up next to him, crabby and exhausted and drag my potsy self out of bed before him to let him rest a little longer while I prepare us strawberries for breakfast, sitting and chopping while he showers, and have him teasing me for being a 'fidget' and keeping him awake- because he loves me anyway and having that makes having POTS, awful though it can be, just a tiny blip in a life worthwhile. Because I've been loved and I have loved. And that's all I ever wanted. An experience I hadn't ever had late into my years- to have someone choose to love me, flaws and all.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
:'(
This evening has just been rubbish. I became incredibly tired and almost fell asleep in the garden around 4pm, which would have been nice were it not for the stupid 'pots-jerks' I kept getting. WHO ELSE GETS THOSE??? They always happen when I am super-tired and trying to relax/sleep. My leg just kept leaping up off the ground and thumping the grass, and I also get them going up my torso and into my arms, so a leg with jump or hips will twitch, then an arm will fling up or out. It's SO annoying.
I was also in a 'mood' all day. I rang my bf last night for a chat as I thought that would be a nice thing to do, but he just went on and on about the state of the economy and how it's going to affect us all and it was all so negative. With my history of depression/anxiety AND POTS on top of that, I do everything I can to wrap myself in a protective bubble and not focus on 'bad stuff' so I got a bit arsey with him on the phone and told him I hadn't rung him up for a load of doom and gloom right before I went to bed so I could lay awake worrying all night.
He later admitted to me he's been feeling down. He'd seemed really happy at the weekend so I was really surprised. He's fed up with his financial situaiton/not having a job. He's trying to make this self employment thing he's doing work and it hasn't been working despite him trying for a year, but he won't quit because he keeps thinking he's just not learnt how to do it quite right and when he does, it will then work. I won't get into it but I wish he wasn't so focused on it because it involves studying the economy and that's putting him even more into this doom and gloom mentality that we're all in for trouble and strife.
So that phone call stayed with me because then I was worrying about all sorts. Like how money problems are a big reason for people splitting up, worrying we won't be able to travel together (which sounds like a really, I dunno, frivalous thing to worry about but it's been a lifelong dream of mine to go travelling with my partner and he'd like to see the world too, I don't want us to be held back by lack of money or my stupid POTS).
I was also down because I was really tired and potsy today, after such a great day yesterday. I know why- because I had to go into town twice yesterday due to forgetting (brain fog again) an essential item for proof of id that I needed. I felt so good yesterday I didn't think twice about 'pacing myself' and going there twice- and so now it's all hit me today. So that just compounded how glum I've been feeling- and exacerbated the worries- how will I cope with work? And if I can't work, and he's worried about money, well that will just be The End of us and our happy relationship because I'd just be a burden to him.
It's not like me to get this negative so I am hoping it's my hormones/time of month making everything seem worse. Even the sun hasn't boosted my mood today!
After I almost fell asleep in the garden, I was extra potsy when I got up, stubbed my little toe twice on a sharp stony corner so it ended up bleeding, then later on dropped a plug on the same toe, I feel fed up because my bf hasn't gotten in touch with me since this morning to say how he is or ask how I am, I feel tired out thanks to POTS and to top it all off, 2 further crappy things happened.
First one was an article in a free magazine that gets delivered. It was about a girl I went to school with. This girl hated me for some reason and actually, the feeling was mutual. She was a stuck up, arrogant, up herself snob. Well in this magazine it was all about these wonderful experiences she'd had travelling the world.
It just made me feel like someone might as well just tear my heart out right there. An 'arch rival' or whatever you want to do it, living the life of Riley while I am stuck here chugging my salted water and worrying I won't even get to work let alone the other side of the freakin' world.
Then, feeling very sorry for myself and sad I decided I'd do the one thing I knew would make me feel a little better: watch the baby birds in the nests that I've been watching on the Springwatch live webcams (it's a program over here that runs for 2 weeks only, every night). The cams were of flycatcher chicks, a blackbird chick, swallow chicks, avocet chicks, reed warbler chicks and kestrel chicks. They would pick 4 nests a day to show on a multiview screen, and you could enlarge any one of those if you wanted. I've been watching every day and night since I discovered the cams and have grown very fond of, and attached to, the little birds that are growing up in the nests.
Well. Just because it was the last televised show tonight, the cameras are now OFF!!! So, I can't even see my little birdies.
Okay so this entry is all pathetic 'oh woe is me' stuff and I am hardly EVER like this but when I do get like it, I do it in style so that's my post at how bloody crap I feel, let's just hope after a good night's sleep tomorrow feels better.
I was also in a 'mood' all day. I rang my bf last night for a chat as I thought that would be a nice thing to do, but he just went on and on about the state of the economy and how it's going to affect us all and it was all so negative. With my history of depression/anxiety AND POTS on top of that, I do everything I can to wrap myself in a protective bubble and not focus on 'bad stuff' so I got a bit arsey with him on the phone and told him I hadn't rung him up for a load of doom and gloom right before I went to bed so I could lay awake worrying all night.
He later admitted to me he's been feeling down. He'd seemed really happy at the weekend so I was really surprised. He's fed up with his financial situaiton/not having a job. He's trying to make this self employment thing he's doing work and it hasn't been working despite him trying for a year, but he won't quit because he keeps thinking he's just not learnt how to do it quite right and when he does, it will then work. I won't get into it but I wish he wasn't so focused on it because it involves studying the economy and that's putting him even more into this doom and gloom mentality that we're all in for trouble and strife.
So that phone call stayed with me because then I was worrying about all sorts. Like how money problems are a big reason for people splitting up, worrying we won't be able to travel together (which sounds like a really, I dunno, frivalous thing to worry about but it's been a lifelong dream of mine to go travelling with my partner and he'd like to see the world too, I don't want us to be held back by lack of money or my stupid POTS).
I was also down because I was really tired and potsy today, after such a great day yesterday. I know why- because I had to go into town twice yesterday due to forgetting (brain fog again) an essential item for proof of id that I needed. I felt so good yesterday I didn't think twice about 'pacing myself' and going there twice- and so now it's all hit me today. So that just compounded how glum I've been feeling- and exacerbated the worries- how will I cope with work? And if I can't work, and he's worried about money, well that will just be The End of us and our happy relationship because I'd just be a burden to him.
It's not like me to get this negative so I am hoping it's my hormones/time of month making everything seem worse. Even the sun hasn't boosted my mood today!
After I almost fell asleep in the garden, I was extra potsy when I got up, stubbed my little toe twice on a sharp stony corner so it ended up bleeding, then later on dropped a plug on the same toe, I feel fed up because my bf hasn't gotten in touch with me since this morning to say how he is or ask how I am, I feel tired out thanks to POTS and to top it all off, 2 further crappy things happened.
First one was an article in a free magazine that gets delivered. It was about a girl I went to school with. This girl hated me for some reason and actually, the feeling was mutual. She was a stuck up, arrogant, up herself snob. Well in this magazine it was all about these wonderful experiences she'd had travelling the world.
It just made me feel like someone might as well just tear my heart out right there. An 'arch rival' or whatever you want to do it, living the life of Riley while I am stuck here chugging my salted water and worrying I won't even get to work let alone the other side of the freakin' world.
Then, feeling very sorry for myself and sad I decided I'd do the one thing I knew would make me feel a little better: watch the baby birds in the nests that I've been watching on the Springwatch live webcams (it's a program over here that runs for 2 weeks only, every night). The cams were of flycatcher chicks, a blackbird chick, swallow chicks, avocet chicks, reed warbler chicks and kestrel chicks. They would pick 4 nests a day to show on a multiview screen, and you could enlarge any one of those if you wanted. I've been watching every day and night since I discovered the cams and have grown very fond of, and attached to, the little birds that are growing up in the nests.
Well. Just because it was the last televised show tonight, the cameras are now OFF!!! So, I can't even see my little birdies.
Okay so this entry is all pathetic 'oh woe is me' stuff and I am hardly EVER like this but when I do get like it, I do it in style so that's my post at how bloody crap I feel, let's just hope after a good night's sleep tomorrow feels better.
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